What are tips to have a better relationship with my daughter?

I have had guardianship of my 3 grands since September but had temporary custody since March. My daughter is upset with me because she stated I have taken my husband of 7 years before her
Asked by Saya
Answered
12/11/2022

Hi Saya, 

The relationships we have with other people, including our own family, can be some of the most rewarding things in our life and can also be some of the most challenging. From what you wrote in your original message it sounds like there are some additional complicating factors in the relationship you have with your daughter. I'm assuming that the children you have guardianship of are the same daughter's kiddos? It also sounds like your current husband is not your daughter's biological father?

Both of those factors, which are variables outside of the immediate relationship you and your daughter have would have a big impact on the both of you. Typically when children are removed from their home and placed with others, be it unknown adults through the foster care system or relatives in a guardian type arrangement this is due to the parents struggling with things in their own life.

Sometimes, as family and even more as a parent, the desire to remove all the pain from our loved one drives us to try to fix as much of their struggles as we can. This is where giving everyone who is involved a chance to vocalize what they need from one another when it comes to boundaries may be helpful. The fact that you were willing to take on the duties of raising your 3 grandchildren at this point in time is a huge gift, You were willing to step in, provide a stable home, and give your daughter a chance to work on the things she needed to while knowing her kids are safe.

Often parents who find themselves in a situation in which their children are placed elsewhere are dealing with a lot of guilt and shame. If substances are involved, often the guilt and shame are amplified. The parent feels like they have failed or that they are horrible people, rather than simply the fact that they needed a bit more help in the here and now. One thing that may help with this when it comes to you and your daughter is to have an honest conversation around how everyone got to the point that you are at and what things look like going forward. Asking your daughter what boundaries she might need with you (and your husband) could also be a way to honor her needs and to validate her experience. There may be things that are happening, even inadvertently that you may not be aware of are adding to the rift.

Ask your daughter what she feels like she needs in the relationship with you and listen with an open mind and let her speak her mind without reacting to what she says or jumping in. This is where the art of active listening comes in.

When we practice active listening it is important to show the other person that we are listening. Putting away distractions such as electronics, and finding a place where you can talk uninterrupted help the other person to know that you are listening. Utilize verbal and non-verbal communication to reflect that you are listening. Make eye contact and nod where appropriate. Utilize phrases such as "I understand" or even the "mm-hmm" as again these show that you are actively engaged in what the other person is saying.

Encourage communication by using open ended questions. Typically open ended questions start with Who, What, Where When, How. And Why. These terms elicit more than just a yes or no answer and invite the other person to expand on what they are saying leading to more fruitful conversations. Examples include using phrases such as "When did you start to notice...". "What are your thoughts about...." and "How do you feel about..."

Using reflection is not only an additional way to demonstrate that we are listening but also a way to "check-in" and make sure we understood correctly what the other person meant. Often times conversations go off the rails simply because someone misinterprets the intention of another. Clarifying can help. Here's an example of what that would look like:

"I've been having a hard time at work. There's too much to do and I can't keep up. My boss is frustrated that everything isn't done but I'm doing the best that I can!"

"It sounds like you're doing the best that you can to keep up with the workload. That sounds very frustrating and stressful!"

Another concept to keep in mind as you continue to work on the relationship with your daughter is what are referred to as "The 4 Horsemen". These are behaviors that escalate conflict and damage a relationship. Over time, these harmful behaviors may become a normal part of communication.

The 4 Horseman are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. The good news is that for each of these there is an "antidote" that can neutralize the negativity. 

The antidote to criticism is the "gentle startup". The focus is shifted from the person to the problem. This can be achieved by using warm body language and a gentle tone, saving discussions for the appropriate time and using "I" statements. An "I" statement is a way to express with another person how we feel without blame. For example "I feel frustrated when I ask you to do the dishes everything because it makes me feel like you don't value me." sounds a lot better than "You're so lazy and never do the dishes".

The antidote to defensiveness is learning not to take things personally, using feedback as an opportunity to improve, and showing remorse and apologizing when appropriate. "I shouldn't have raised my voice. I'm sorry" can go a long way

Communicating fondness and admiration is the antidote to contempt. Showing affection, giving compliments, and recognizing the other person's strengths are how we utilize this. Think about some of your daughter's strengths that you can see. Sometimes a strength is just getting up to face another day.

The final antidote is self soothing as an antidote to stone-walling. When we have an urge to shut down and retreat into ourselves it is far more helpful to self soothe instead. Agree to pause the conversation when stonewalling enters the picture. Practice deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation

One of the biggest (and hardest) things to remember as you continue to work on the relationship with your daughter is patience. You may be more ready to work on it than she is. Be gentle and give her time. There is no set schedule for how things play out in life