What can I do about communication issues with my parents?

Hi M, I am so glad you reached out for support to cope with this difficult and emotionally painful situation that you have with your parents. It is clear through your message and you love and care about them both so deeply and really want the bond that you have with them to be strong. As you mention, that bond cannot be firm without open communication and relationships that are emotionally safe and free of toxicity. You have been dealing with this for quite some time now, and without remedy your relationships could become severed. 

It sounds like your father, for whatever reasons, experiences significant insecurity and interprets even constructive feedback as harsh criticism that feels threatening to him. Perhaps he has received harsh criticism from others in his past and it is a particularly sensitive area for him. Or, possibly his approach to parenting is authoritarian and he does not believe that it is in a child's place, even an adult child, to offer criticism or constructive feedback of any sort to a parent.  His internal issues have a way of "leaking" into your communications with him, and even the communications that he has with your mother. If he is willing, family therapy can be a beneficial way of exploring and understanding these communication patterns on an even deeper level. Trained family therapists know how to perceive dynamics in a way that is neutral and offer specific feedback.  Also, your father would benefit from individual therapy as well to support him in uncovering the factors that have led to this difficulty in accepting feedback and criticism in a healthy way. I do hope that both of your parents are willing to take this step. Of course, it is difficult as you cannot force them into therapy unwillingly. However, even if they decline to go, you can receive therapy yourself to help you cope with this difficult dynamic and get the support and healing that you need. You are not responsible for your parents' choices and you do not have to carry this alone. 

In the meantime, one practical approach to communication that is often helpful is speaking with "I" statements. I statements can help reduce that defensiveness that you describe receiving from your father because the focus of I statements is on you and your feelings, rather than projecting blame onto someone else. An example of an I statement is: "I feel disappointed when I come home from work tired and the dishes are not done when you have agreed to do them." This statement is assertive, yet puts the focus on your feelings and how the other's action affected you. I statements are often most helpful when they are followed by a suggestion regarding what could be done to correct or heal the situation instead as an alternative. So for example: "It would really be helpful if on the days I work late the dishes would be a top priority for you. I can take out the trash in the morning." Therefore, without casting blame, you have assertively asked for what you need. 

This is an approach that you could explore with your parents. For example, perhaps something like "Dad, I really love you and want our relationship to be close. I feel hurt when my thoughts are shut down in our conversations. Sometimes I even avoid having them to avoid that hurt. What I would like instead is for you to consider my point of view. It would mean a lot to me." This is one alternative to try that can be helpful. 

A few other general tips that can be helpful are to approach these conversations when you see that your father is in a good mood and most likely to be receptive. It is also best to be sure to have these conversations in an environment that is comfortable and free of distractions. If your father does respond positively, be sure to let him know how much you appreciate it and his efforts knowing that it is difficult for him to have those types of conversations. 

Again, M thank you so much for reaching out. That was an important first step. I wish you all the best as you begin the challenging journey of developing a more loving, open, and emotionally safe bond with your parents.