Can happiness exist without sadness?

Asked by Anonymous
Answered
04/29/2021

In the society we live in, happiness seems to be the ultimate goal.  We work so hard at finding the things that we believe will make us happy—romantic partners, buying a new home, getting that college degree, landing a dream job, having children.  While all of these things come with components of happiness, the truth is that they don’t guarantee we will never feel uncomfortable emotions or experience suffering.  And the other truth is that that’s a good thing.

Sadness, pain, and suffering are part of the human spectrum of emotion.  Though these emotions are difficult to deal with and cause discomfort, they only exist because we find meaning in things and care about elements of our world.  For example, if you are grieving the loss of a loved one, that means you experienced great love for that person, and they meant something in your life.  Or if you feel sad about not getting the job you were hoping for, that means that it was something you felt was a special opportunity somehow.  Because we are beings that look for and experience meaning often, sadness is a natural reaction to losses or failures we endure. 

It is also true that bottling up emotions or avoiding pain can shut us off from happiness.  Embracing sadness allows us to release pain and move forward into growth.  It also teaches us that we can handle sadness—that we are strong enough to sit in hurt.  Sadness is also a connector emotion, meaning it can bring us closer to others and allow for deeper connections.  If you avoid sadness and pain in your life, you may also circumvent the things that trigger them—dating, vulnerability, trying new things, setting boundaries, opening up about struggles, etc.  What’s the cost of that?  What are you missing out on or holding back from to avoid discomfort?  Tolerating discomfort allows us to experience the breadth of human emotion and to participate in life fully.  If you know you can handle pain, your grip on happiness doesn’t have to be so tight.

A great resource for this topic is Brené Brown’s TED talk—The Power of Vulnerability.  Living a wholehearted life means letting yourself feel things and take risks.  Happiness then becomes a natural consequence of moving through the hard stuff.

Overall, don’t deny yourself pain.  Joy can’t exist strongly without it!