How do I get over finding out my father passed away alone? I just can’t get over that

Losing close family suddenly creates a myriad of confusing emotions and painful circumstances.  Elizabeth Kubler Ross was an oncologist and coined the five stages of grief as she worked with people diagnosed with terminal cancer and witnessed their process of dying.  The stages of grief surface anytime there is a death, divorce, separation, someone close moves away.  First is denial, I can't believe this is happening.  Anger then takes over and one might say, why is this happening to me?  Next comes bargaining/blame.  This occurs when one asks themselves, if I had done this maybe that wouldn't have happened.  Or, it is all your fault.  Then there is the stage of grief where you acknowledge the loss is permanent and there is no going back.  One can flip flop around these emotions until you get to acceptance. 

Everyone's grief is different and it is important to process the emotions at your own pace and in your own way. The emotional and physical reactions to grief can make one feel they are on a roller coaster with experiencing the ups and downs that bring sorrow and then thoughts maybe we are feeling better only to go back to the highs and lows associated with the process of grieving. Our sense of progress may feel unbalanced.  Guilt over losing someone often overcomes a grieving person.  One often feels they should have done more to prevent the loss; thoughts are filled with shoulda, woulda, coulda's.  One tends to rehash all the things that could have been done that plague the survivors of losing one dear to them. 

Guilt is a feeling.  It is the task of grieving to validate feelings, find ways to accept what cannot be changed, integrate and move forward with these feelings.  We can't stop feeling guilty because someone tells you to stop.  It is actually a common reaction to loss/grief issues.  But guilt can be consuming with irrational thoughts, emotions.  Without knowing why a loss occurs, we have to accept that the universe may be unpredictable and chaotic.  What to do with these complex emotions?  Acknowledge guilt is a normal reaction to losing someone dear.  Don't let others minimize the validity of your grief experience. Talk about it with others. surround yourself with positive influences. Guilt can often teach something about yourself, try to understand what that might be. You may want to treat yourself like you are in intensive care as the pain of grief can be overwhelming, debilitating.  Consider what your loved one may tell you about guilt.

Ways to process your grief include, talking to people who care, seeking out professional therapist or grief support group.  Take care of yourself; eat well, get enough rest, exercise.  Write a letter to the one you have lost expressing your love, how you are missing them, whatever approach that aligns with your emotions is a way to process your emotions for the person you lost.  Imagine you are telling them how you are feeling, your regrets, guilt all of it. You may want to store the letter in a special place.  This can be helpful in processing your sorrow, burdens associated with the loss.