How do I support my husband?

Dearest Ash,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother in law's sudden suicide. This must have been a very scary and traumatic incident for you and your partner to cope with soon after your marriage. I don't have too much information, but I can try to suggest some short helpful ways to react. 

First, support looks different for everyone. The best way to know how to help your husband during this challenging time is to ask him "how you can support him as this  time" or "what would he need from you to help him cope at this time in his life". I would really attentively listen to his response and genuinely respect what he requests. If he does not give a response, then it is best to tell him that you're there for him and he can reach out when he is ready. 

I would also ask him how he is feeling and  give him space to process. Research has proven that we feel better just by verbalizing our emotions. This is the reason we have the urge to call our friends when we are stressed. We end up feeling better once we discuss our feelings. 

I also want to educate you on defense mechanism. Our brain is a way of protecting itself from traumatic experiences. Our brain blocks our body from actually processing what is actually happening. Our brain does this by denial, or regression or projection. 

Denial is when our brain blocks us from actually admitting what has happened in our life. Often times, people will say they still feel a loved one is alive when someone has passed away. It's the brain's way of protecting you. Regression is when you start acting younger than your normal self as a way to cope with pain. Projection is when you take out the pain on loved ones. 

I would also keep an eye out for depression. Please monitor how he is eating, sleeping or if he is having negative self talk. Also, there are several stages of grief. It starts with denial, then sadness, anger and then peace. It will happen that he is sad one day, angry the next and then peaceful the next. 

I would highly suggest he see a grief counselor for a few months just to process the pain and trauma. This is a very very challenging thing to have to cope with in his life. You can also suggest couples counseling if he doesn't want to attend counseling alone and be his support in that. 

Lastly, it would be helpful to plan little distractions during the day or week to help him distract from the pain in short times. Anything from time with friends, comedy club, movies etc. Also, prayer and volunteering has shown to help, as you take the focus away from your own life to another person's life. 

Overall, I wish you nothing but the best in your marriage life moving forward. Please do find someone to process your pain with.