Why do I feel like I am the problem in my life?

When I argue with my boyfriend, I can not help but feel as I'm the problem. When my mom shows more love to my sibling than me, I feel like the problem. As my dad chooses not to have a good bond with me I feel as IF i am the problem.
Asked by SL


I am sorry to see that you are feeling like you are the problem when it comes to situations in your life.  Many times the way that we feel is dictated by the thoughts that go through our minds.  If we often deal with a lot of negative or critical thoughts, then we will only feel negative feelings with it.  The negative inner critic is typically formed from what we may have heard growing up and so it is no longer just what we heard. We suddenly adopt the things people used to say as our own beliefs. 

I often tell my clients who struggle with those negative thoughts, which are otherwise known as cognitive distortions, that it is hard for them to try changing those negative thoughts to positive ones simply because we are so much more comfortable with saying the negative things to and about ourselves.  Many of my clients express their discomfort with trying to speak positively to themselves, saying nice things in place of the not so nice and even just telling themselves positive affirmations.  This is the very sad part of these thoughts and our behaviors....we are much more comfortable saying the not so nice things, and uncomfortable with saying the kinder, more compassionate things to ourselves.  The things that are actually true.  For example, you say that your mom shows more love to your sibling than she shows you.  Is this something you know happens for sure or does it just feel like it because of what you tell yourself?  Now, when you have an argument with your boyfriend, again, do you feel like you are the problem because of something in your own thoughts?  Because it isn't possible that you are the problem 100%...it takes two people in a relationship to either make things work or to make things fall apart.  With your dad and his choice to not have a good bond with you...that is absolutely not your fault, nor are you the problem.  In this relationship, you are the child and if your father chooses not to have a bond with you then it is his loss and he is the one that is responsible for making this happen.  He is the parent.  

I am sure there is more to your situation that would take some discussing of all the issues and learning more about your background and how you view things in order to know more about how you think, but I have seen many times where people have felt these similar things and typically it begins with how they are thinking and feeling about themselves.  Working on changing your thought patterns is a big help to feeling differently in each situation. 

I hope some of this answer helps you to understand why you might be thinking the way that you do....that you are the problem in each situation...but to also understand how in reality, you aren't the problem.  Changing the way that you think begins by using cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and I typically show my clients things like attachment theories to show how our childhood impacts our adult life.  Then there are things like core beliefs which are also formed and developed around what we endure as children, then they are impacted by things like trauma, so if you have ever experienced any trauma, that could also explain your views, plus just not having that bond with your father.  That seriously impacts our outlook on ourselves and our lives.  The fact that he doesn't have a bond with you may make you question why.  What is wrong with me?  Why doesn't he want to know me more?  That makes you feel down about yourself, when you shouldn't feel bad about yourself. 

I hope this helps.  I wish you luck and should you want/need my help, I am here.