How to get better

Hi, and thanks for your question.

I'm sorry to hear things are challenging for you right now; reaching out for help when you feel overwhelmed is exactly the right thing to do.

Generally speaking, in order to create an effective solution, we need to have a thorough understanding of the scope and history of a particular problem, and what you've written here doesn't necessarily provide the level of detail required to be able to answer your question adequately (and of course, that kind of thing is difficult to achieve in this question/answer format).That being said, there are some things that have a general application to overcoming most of life's difficulties...

1. Clearly define your desired outcome.

What exactly does "get better" mean to you? It won't mean the same thing for you as it will someone else, and there's no objective definition of "better." What are the specific criteria involved in your unique understanding of what getting better looks like? If a miracle happened overnight and all of your problems were gone, what would your life look like?

2. Make sure your physical health is in order.

Our physical health is like the foundation of a house; if something's "off" with it, many other things in our life tend to follow suit. If you haven't been to your doctor for a general check-up with lab work in the past two years, it's time to go. There are a number of physical health factors that have a profound impact on our mental and behavioral health -- things you might not even suspect...like vitamin and mineral deficiencies, to name just a few. Eat a healthy, balanced diet with minimally-processed foods when possible; drink plenty of water; get an adequate amount of movement (exercise) each day; and get adequate amounts and quality of sleep. If one of these areas is "out of whack," getting at least one of the areas on-point will eventually help the other areas until each aspect of your health is balanced.

3. Identify your own personal values and priorities -- and live them

When we know what our own unique values and priorities are in life, we can live our life in accordance with them, and a life that aligns with your values and priorities is a life well-lived, regardless of the storms that may come our way. Conversely, if we're living our lives aimlessly or not in accordance with our values and priorities, we're often plagued with a sense that something just isn't right, or that our lives are lacking meaning.

4. Create and maintain a schedule

Having a semi-flexible daily routine helps us make sense of a world that is otherwise chaotic at times; it ensures we're actually living our values and priorities; it helps us maintain momentum toward our goals; it helps us to feel productive and gives us cause to feel good about ourselves and our ability to make things happen in the world; it allows us to know, through experience, that we can trust ourselves to get things done, even when it isn't always easy or fun, which creates the basis upon which we develop an understanding that we can trust ourselves to handle adversity (which is inevitable). It doesn't matter so much *what* your routine/schedule is comprised of as it does that you have one and stick to it. When I refer to a "semi-flexible" schedule, I mean that you're having a general goal, and the means by which you achieve that goal is fluid. Example: "Get up in the morning and exercise by 10am." Perhaps it's usually a walk through the park, but today it's raining. You could skip the workout entirely, but then how would you feel about yourself? Maybe it's a good day to stay indoors and do some yoga. So you modify your goal (get exercise done before 10am) to accommodate the realities of life. 10am happens, you've gotten your exercise done for the day -- you've achieved your goal, and you're able to feel good about yourself for having stayed true to the goals you set that help you get closer to being the person you want to be living the life you want to live.

5. Have a self-care plan

Life isn't always easy -- it's full of stressful things, unexpected happenings, and various hiccups. Having a plan to rely on that allows you to care for yourself in ways that are meaningful to you -- a plan that helps you restore yourself to get back "on the horse" (so to speak) and keep getting after your hopes and dreams.

6. Be mindful of negative self-talk

Berating yourself for things you've done or things you didn't do won't help. If you've behaved differently than you'd have liked in the past and/or you're not proud of certain decisions you've made, then stop doing those things. Choose differently, and move on. This isn't to say that you need to develop a "Polyanna" outlook where everything is rainbows and unicorns (...because that's not realistic); instead, opt for a more neutral, evidence-based outlook on things. Turn "I really messed that up," into "I'm going to choose differently next time." Turn "I'm a terrible person," into "I keep trying and don't give up." Turn "I'm so stupid," into "I'm learning more each day." Be your own best friend -- even inside your own head -- not your own worst enemy.

7. Surround yourself with supportive friends, family, and other influences

Even the most independent of us can benefit from knowing there's at least one person who's in our corner, and we all have times in our life where we need someone to lean on, for just a little bit. Know who those people are, and keep them close. Regularly maintain those connections, even when things are going well in life (especially then!). Be someone like that for them, too.

8. Compile a playlist of songs, videos, lectures, etc. and/or a virtual (or tangible) scrapbook of meaningful quotes, poems, inspirational sayings, mantras, etc.

Keep them handy, and consult these things when you need a little boost to your self-confidence, or motivation to keep going.

9. If you're having trouble implementing these, don't be afraid to seek help

That's why we're here! Finding a therapist that you feel comfortable with can be immensely valuable in getting back on track and accomplishing the beginning steps toward living your happiest, healthiest, most balanced and value-directed life.

Best wishes!