Ask a therapist > Other > How can I stop trying too hard at everything I do?

How can I stop trying too hard at everything I do?

I have a very analytical brain that has been programmed to optimize my life and wellbeing as much as possible because I have no one to fall back on if something goes wrong. This seems to have leaked into everything I do.

I’ve always been a very responsible perfectionist, and it’s a recurring theme that I set out to improve myself with my wellbeing and self care in mind, but it turns from “let me adjust one thing to make improve my quality of life” to “what’s wrong with me, look at everything I have to fix, theres so much, i hate myself so much”.

This way of thinking is impacting my enjoyment of many things such as intimacy with my partner and my hobbies— anything meant to be fun and come naturally. But I can’t stop trying to plan them or optimize them. For example, my verbal sentences often come out hard to understand as I restart my sentence midway through multiple times it to reword or add or subtract pieces. It will take me 30 minutes to write a one paragraph text. Writing this has taken me over an hour despite already knowing what I wanted to say.

Basically, I live my life very mechanically. I’m great at knowing what emotions I’m feeling and how to “solve” them, but I avoid acting on them as much as I possibly can, so when the time comes to use them I CAN’T act on them. Its perfectionism in advanced mode. So many people tell me it’s a good thing, but they don’t get how unenjoyable it is and that its fueled by entirely by fear.

Asked by Ambrose

Other

Answered

06/09/2022

Hello.

I read your statement and you feel that "things have leaked into everything you do". Often perfectionists are concerned about being flawless and always striving for what they may perceive as perfection. As noted, being a perfectionist can have its pros and cons. Based on what you wrote, your perfectionist personality is not allowing you to enjoy your life how you would like. Being self critical, and having excessive self-evaluations and concerns regarding others' evaluations can still make it seem as though you're not enough.

I'm wondering if you may have a fear of not being able to be in total control. Perhaps you feel that if you are not in control you will be vulnerable to feelings that you are unable to control. I understand that you are able to identify the emotions, however, identifying and processing your emotions are not the same. Perhaps you are not willing to process the particular emotion in the moment because you are not sure of the outcome or how it will be received by others. Perfectionists can become extremely picky and preoccupied with making sure that everything is flawless, which can lead to attempts to control situations or people.

"How can I stop trying too hard at everything I do"?

Ask yourself what will happen if continue to try hard at everything? Is it affecting my relationships with others? Am I robbing myself out of living and enjoying the best of my life?

Think of this ...is it possible to plan every detail in your life and have it go accordingly to the list? You mentioned "writing this has taken over an hour despite knowing what I wanted to say". You knew what you wanted to say but questioned how it would sound and how it would be received ? Was it ever thought what is the worst thing that could happen if you were to express yourself freely without any corrections?

Explore why you are avoiding your emotions that are enjoyable. Perhaps you feel you don't deserve them or you have to focus on other things you find more important. What do you value?

My assumptions and clinical judgments are of course limited based solely on what I read. I hope I was able to offer some insight.

Takojia Walters