How do you stop living your life in fear of what other people think, particularly your family?

Hello Euphan, thank you for reaching out, I will do my best to answer your question with insightful and useful information so that you can attempt to start working on the problem you mentioned.

Living in fear of what others think about you starts with boundaries, and learning how to stick to your own beliefs and opinions despite what others say or think about them. When it comes to family, it is harder due to the level of connection that exists between a person and their loved ones. This issue can be worked through by learning how to enforce boundaries. In this case, your boundaries will have to be clear and you will have to be assertive when making sure that others, especially your family respect them. By doing so, outside opinions will potentially not only stop affecting you, but they may even empower you. Here are a few ways in which you can set and use boundaries to hopefully improve your situation:

• Value yourself and your time. You're important and deserve to be treated well. If the people around you don't appreciate and respect you, family or otherwise, ask yourself whether you want to spend time with them, and how much. You get to choose what you do, with whom, and when. Your time is precious, and if you don't value how you spend it, nobody else will either. Actively opt to surround yourself with people who build you up instead of tearing you down. Imagine what your life would be like if you exclusively spent time with people who adored and valued you.
• Permit yourself to do what's best for you. Cultural norms suggest that you're supposed to spend time (not to mention holidays) with family - and that if you don't, something is "wrong" with you. Ahhh, the joys of stigma! What if yours is a toxic family system, familial relationships are abusive, and your relatives hurt you? At the end of the day, YOU are your biggest advocate and supporter. It's important to have healthy boundaries, regardless of whether or not others understand and accept them. Limiting time with toxic people is an act of self-love. No shame in this game.
• Know your triggers and anticipate them. We all have triggers and they're different for each of us. Triggers can range from watching your parents enable and coddle your unemployed brother, to your sister whispering about you to her sycophantic husband, to your cousin sticking her fingers in the Christmas ham. Always be one step ahead of your triggers by knowing what they are, what emotions arise, how to best take care of them, and how you'll plan to respond once triggered. If you suspect that an event or conversation will be triggering, try role-playing with a friend in advance, including how to end the conversation peacefully and walk away. Being prepared for a stressful situation can make it less stressful.
• Be clear about your needs and communicate them. Identify your needs and boundaries in advance. For example: Do you need your mother-in-law to come over only after all preparations are complete? Would you prefer that she leave her yappy dog at home? How much time do you want to spend with your family? With friends? Alone? (Don't forget alone time, friends.) You may not want to be with family at all this holiday season, and instead prefer to spend time with friends. Guess what? That's 100% okay. You may ultimately decide that you don't want to have a relationship with an abusive family member at all. And while that may be very painful, that's okay, too. It's your life and your precious time. Once you've identified your limits, communicate them clearly and kindly.
• Practice saying no. As a people-pleaser who hates disappointing others, I have a patient who finds it hard to say no - especially to his family. He notes that not some "no's" are more difficult than others: "soft no's" are easier than "hard no's." A "soft no" leaves room for a potential "yes" in the future: Maybe later, I have to check my calendar, I'm tired right now but ask me in an hour. "Hard no's" are firm and finite: Sorry, I already have plans; I don't want to do that; Please stop talking to me like that, or I'm leaving. In treatment, we made a "menu" of no's ranging from softest to hardest and practiced different no-saying scenarios until they felt familiar and comfortable. Then he started using them with family. Over time, he became better at advocating for himself, and his self-confidence surged. Setting limits not only makes you feel stronger because you're standing up for yourself, but it communicates to others that you know your needs and aren't scared to state them. As uncomfortable as setting them may be, boundaries are good for relationships, not bad.
• Make a list of coping strategies. Make a list of coping strategies in advance of a triggering event that will help you get through. These can include: going for a walk, taking a hot bath, listening to soothing music, having a designated friend to whom you can vent, carving out alone time, ripping phone books (don't knock it 'til you've tried it!), joining an online support group, getting a therapist, lifting weights, journaling, drawing, getting a massage, deep breathing, watching movies, meditating, bringing a friend along for support, or skipping it altogether, and heading to Mexico instead. 

Once you have decided and determined what the boundaries are that you will enforce, you have to be as assertive as possible. Being assertive is not always easy, as it may come off as being too firm or even rude at times. This is simply because most people don't actor talk assertively, therefore it is seen as rare and uncommon. However, being assertive is the most effective way to enforce boundaries. People develop different styles of communication-based on their life experiences. Your style may be so ingrained that you're not even aware of what it is. People tend to stick to the same communication style over time. But if you want to change your communication style, you can learn to communicate in healthier and more effective ways. Here are some tips to help you become more assertive:

• Assess your style. Do you voice your opinions or remain silent? Do you say yes to additional work even when your schedule is full? Are you quick to judge or blame? Do people seem to dread or fear talking to you? Understand your style before you begin making changes.
• Use 'I' statements. Using I statements lets others know what you're thinking or feeling without sounding accusatory. For instance, say, "I disagree," rather than, "You're wrong." If you have a request, say, "I would like you to help with this" rather than, "You need to do this." Keep your requests simple, specific, and clear.
• Practice saying no. If you have a hard time turning down requests, try saying, "No, I can't do that now." Remember that no is a complete sentence and you don't need to explain why you choose to say no. Don't hesitate, be direct. If an explanation is appropriate, keep it brief.
• Rehearse what you want to say. If it's challenging to say what you want or think, practice the general scenarios you encounter. Say what you want to say out loud. It may help to write it out first, too, so you can practice from a script. Consider role-playing with a friend or colleague and asking for clear feedback.
• Use body language. Communication isn't just verbal. Act confident even if you aren't feeling it. Keep an upright posture, but lean forward a bit. Make regular eye contact. Maintain a neutral or positive facial expression. Don't cross your arms or legs. Face the person. Practice assertive body language in front of a mirror or with a friend or colleague. In addition to what you say, your body language and facial expressions are also important.
• Keep emotions in check. Conflict is hard for most people. Maybe you get angry or frustrated, or maybe you feel like crying. Although these feelings are typical, they can get in the way of resolving conflict. If you feel too emotional going into a situation, wait a bit if possible. Then work on remaining calm. Breathe slowly. Keep your voice even and firm.
• Start small. First, practice your new skills in low-risk situations. For instance, try out your assertiveness on a partner or friend before tackling a difficult situation at work. Evaluate yourself afterward and adjust your approach as needed.

I hope that this was helpful and insightful, and if you need further assistance, please don't hesitate to reach out, and I hope that you have a great day Euphan!