Ask a therapist > Other > I feel damaged when living with my family

I feel damaged when living with my family

I'm 18 years old, from Mexico, living with a family with many issues related to trust, communication, rising child's and relationships. I don't want to live here, although I'm attending a school far too expensive for me to leave now or move away with other family members.

So, about 3-5 months ago I got a part time job after classes, and began scheduling my routine and life style for a better direction. Going to the gym, developing good habits, taking care of my diet as much as I can; and I'm doing good on this self-improvement stuff. I got a nice group of friends, a healthy relationship with my girlfriend on this long-term distant relationship, we're making it work. And I'm working towards our first meeting.

But I can't stop but feel— damaged. Wicked. Bad. I don't know whom to talk, I feel it's a way of weakness, and I reject it. Worst part, I KNOW it's not weakness.

I just feel like I've endured and struggled with my family since I've been a 12 years old, and I want, I know I need the help for my future even if right now I'm doing fine thanks to this hard work I've put into myself. But can't stop but feeling I need the help.
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Asked by Rev
Other
Answered
11/18/2022

Hi Revenant,

Thank you for coming forward and asking this question.  It sounds like you have been navigating many issues within your family system.  Working through issues centered on trust, communication and relationships is not easy.  It sounds like you became cognizant of the issues you have been facing and decided to focus on variables within your control centered on self improvement.  There are multiple facets which make up our identity.  Tending to all facets can make us feel more fulfilled and can help us feel more balanced and correct an inbalance when one facet contains negative variables which feel overwhelming. 

While you are a member of a family system, and it sounds like there are many difficulties within your specific family system, you are also an individual, friend, student, worker and partner to your girlfriend.  Investing time in yourself in the form of a physical fitness routine, investing in your social identity in the form of spending time with friends and getting a part time job after classes to invest in your future can help to facilitate a positve mental health outcome. 

In life, we can divide things into two categories: the internal and the external.  Internal being things within our control and external being things outside of our control.  Focusing on things within our control can help us to feel empowered.  Worrying about external variables outside of our control is a waste of our time because we cannot effect them; they will occur whether we worry about them or not.  We suffer worrying about them while not being able to affect the outcome. 

I hear the pain in your words as you share the personal and family hardships you have faced since you were a 12 year old boy.  As you stated, the feelings you describe of having this sense of being damaged is not a weakness.  Holding in those feelings and pushing them deep inside of you will not make them magically go away.  They will find their way out in an antisocial manner when they are suppressed.  Processing these emotions can be an effective way to move forward and make meaning of what has occurred.  An effective form of therapy research has shown to be Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.  You can be treated with this therapeutic modality by a licensed therapist who has experience in this treatment model.  I am a licensed therapist who is trained in this therapeutic modality and would be more than happy to assist you in any way I can. 

Please let me know if you need anything else, I hope this response has helped.

(LCSW)