What can you do to help someone having commitment issues

I realized it is hard to fully say yes to something. Not necessarily in a relationship, but other things and also to get vulnerable with someone. I also talk to myself a lot, not that I hear voices back, but I have conversations with myself - it is calming in a way. What can I do to help?
Asked by Ria
Answered
10/24/2022

I will focus here on your concerns about commitment, either in a relationship or in other aspects of your life. I will also address your question about vulnerability. I hope this will offer you some clarity to continue your personal journey.

 

Commitment issues can originate in early childhood and result from dysfunctional family concerns resulting from emotional insecurity and anxiety. It can also be related to trauma. For example you may have witnessed something  that caused you to believe relationships don't last, nothing is safe and you cannot trust anyone. This also triggers a fear of being abandoned.  It also highlights the possibility of having experienced insecure attachment in early life with at least one if not both parents.

 

For more information, look up an easy to read theory by John Bowlby (British Psychologist) who wrote about Attachment Theory. You will find it interesting. He speaks of the importance of having a strong emotional and physical attachment at an early age with at least one caregiver and how this is important to personality development. He speaks of three basic types of development which are Secure, Anxious and Avoidant Attachment. His partner Mary Ainsworth did studies with infants and how they reacted when their parents left the room for a few minutes and then returned. You will begin to see what could have been the origins of your present day concerns.

 

In considering these issues, it is important to understand that everyone is different, but some children may be more sensitive than others and that although their parents were well intended, they did not get enough of what they needed. It was as though there was an emotional mismatch of which no one was aware.

 

In regard to vulnerability then, the fear stems from this lack of attunement in not receiving what was needed emotionally.  It causes you to be aware that if the world is not safe you can get hurt. The way you try to avoid such is by avoiding the connections and commitments that would hurt you if they ended. So you stop them from beginning.  Even if this is your perception or experience or both, it can be changed if you want to do so.

 

You behave the way you do as you have formed an opinion of the world based on your experiences that causes you to try to protect yourself. As a result you cannot/will not commit, and it actually causes more problems in adult life including loneliness and anxiety.

 

This is a very workable issue and you are talking to yourself to self-soothe and comfort yourself. Perhaps things you never got as a young child or what you certainly need now.

 

Talk therapy and allowing for a relationship with your therapist is a beginning as trust and feeling safe are key elements of a therapeutic healing relationship that you would benefit from experiencing.

 

I hope this helps you begin to understand what you are feeling and why you are behaving the way you describe.