Guidance please!?

Thank you for explaining this information about your relationship and marriage. I believe spending 16 years with someone is an accomplishment and that should be recognized and it makes sense that you would continue to put effort in to the relationship as you have invested yourself and your time and energy over that time. As I read through your message I am seeing several behaviors of your husband that you find to be problematic, dictating your interactions with friends, not trusting and invading space (resulting in unprofessional incidence), and being unwilling to meet needs you have expressed like coming to bed or going to counseling. I notice that you have expressed these frustrations to him and he knows that you are not happy with his behaviors. It also sounds like there are some things from the past that your husband is stuck on? If this is the case, you both have to make the decision to move forward and let things that happened in the past go. 

My thought is that marriage is a partnership that requires reciprocity and consistent effort. Often times, we have to continue to work on ourselves and with each other to deal with conflict, communication and life phases. In addition, each partner is going to have individual needs, struggles, strengths and shortcomings.   I think you have to ask yourself what your wants and needs are from your partner, and if these needs are not being met then we need to express them. If needs that have been expressed continue to be unmet, then I think it becomes time to implement boundaries or limits. Unfortunately, if we are looking for the other person to change and they fail to do so, it then becomes our responsibility to make a decision about what we are willing to tolerate and what we are not willing to tolerate. If you are looking to still put effort forth, I would encourage you to ask your husband what he would like to do to spend time together and start there. Then, I would try to get an idea from him about how he envisions you to continue to grow together. I would let him know your limits when it comes to seeing friends and keeping certain things like your phone/professional life. If you feel like you are done putting effort forth, then I would again encourage boundaries and for you to consider what it might be like to be out of the relationship.

I know it is not an easy situation and believe it is important as the therapist to provide unconditional support either way. I am not here to make decisions for you, only to help you think about all aspects of your problems or situations so you can make a decision you feel good about. My last encouragement would be to focus on what you have control over which is yourself and how you choose to respond. I know that we are just skimming the surface and I hope this response is helpful in some way.