How can I become better at not being co-dependent?

Hi, and thanks for your question.

The funny thing about humans is that we can't not *not* do something (It's tricky, I know...). Instead, we have to just *do* something. Example: Try *not* standing up. Don't *do* anything else except *not* stand. See? It's impossible. Even levitation, if it were possible, doesn't work. You have to actively *do* something else (like sit down) if you're not going to stand.

While that may seem like an unnecessary tangent, it's important in the context of your question, which reveals you're likely at a loss as to how to choose a different way of being than what you've termed as co-dependence.

With that in mind, how's a person to become more independent?

Well, first you'll need to define what "independent" looks like for you, in all its various forms, which will naturally be unique to your life circumstances.

Are you looking to increase your comfort level at dining solo in restaurants? Perhaps that's one indicator, but it's also probably too big a leap to make at this point in your journey of behavior change. Instead, maybe "more independence" looks something like going to the grocery store by yourself to pick up some munchies for you and your partner...maybe it looks like going a half a day at work without texting your partner or expecting a text from them. Maybe it's staying at home by yourself while your partner picks up the munchies. Or maybe you'll take the dog around the block by yourself at first.

The key is to start out small -- identify small tasks and/or activities that you can do by yourself.

...Then *do* them.

When you start small, you're making your goal easily achievable, which means you're likely to achieve success in that goal, which makes you more likely to continue trying to change your behaviors.

Also know that it will likely feel uncomfortable doing things alone for awhile, and that you might want to consider having a tried-and-true, go-to way of comforting yourself through that discomfort while you're learning to do things with greater independence. An example might be having some mantras/quotes/inspirational sayings on your phone that you can look at when you're feeling uncomfortable doing something independently, or a playlist of songs that help you feel more confident and empowered to do some things alone.

As you gradually build up your "independence muscle," it *will* get easier, and your successful small adventures in independence will lead to increased opportunities to do more things independently, and soon you'll find yourself behaving flexibly depending upon the various circumstances you find yourself in. This does take time, patience with yourself, the ability to comfort yourself through those challenging times (even when you want to give up), perseverance, and *practice.* Remember that each time you practice even just a little bit of independence (and positively reinforce yourself for having done so -- i.e., give yourself praise and acknowledgement), you're letting your brain know through practical experience that it wasn't that scary after all -- that you survived -- and that you can do it again.

You could spend time exploring the "why" behind your behavior choices (i.e., dependence) to this point, and that may be helpful to you in a variety of ways, but ultimately, no matter the "why," actually working on the tangible behavior change itself (i.e., practicing independence) will be what gets you from eating out of a vending machine when traveling alone to dining at a nice restaurant and eating a nice meal all by yourself (as just one extreme example).

Best wishes!