How can I become friendly and keep conversations going without fear of being boring?
Asked by Mary
Answered
10/31/2022
Hi Mary,
From reading your question I gather that people are interested in knowing you and seems like some form of friendship develops. For some reason you do not maintain the relationships.
In my mind this question raises more questions, such as are you actually socially awkward? Why are you more comfortable keeping to yourself? How do things unfold after the initial friendship?
It has been my experience that we humans do things for a reason. Are we trying to set boundaries, are we trying to protect ourselves from getting hurt, is it avoiding expectations that may develop, have we received feedback from our environment that either encourage or discourage certain action?
My approach would be to start by exploring relationships and their dynamics from your formative years. I feel we either learn through our experiences or are informed by experiences of others. To this end a discussion around important relationships that involve you directly or relationships between people around you can be helpful. It may also be helpful to explore your beliefs and values associated with relationships. It may also be insightful to reflect on what it means to be "by yourself". Is it a question of independence vs dependence?
A part of me wonders if this is anxiety. Thinking of oneself as socially awkward may lead to attempts to not be socially awkward. In my experience we attempt to process other peoples' responses such as facial expressions, eye contact, body language, tone of voice etc in the moment to gauge if we are being awkward. This may lead to overthinking while being in a conversation and appearing awkward.
My approach to this situation is to establish a framework and understand your context. Once we know why you do what you do we can begin to unlearn and reshape the thought process. I have have a preference for DBT and CBT when it comes to skills. Having said that I work with my clients to make these skills their own. I hope this helps.
