How can I create positive communication in my marriage when our communication is very bland?

Good evening! I think that it is great that you are looking to create positive communication in your marriage. I would also imagine that it can be challenging at times to get undivided time with a family of 4. I would need to ask a few more questions relating to the interaction between you and your husband in order touch on specifics of the communication between you two but I will definitely share some tips that would be helpful when trying to create healthy communication between you two.

It can also be difficult when you do not feel like you are being heard or when you notice healthy communication between him and friends and family but do not feel that is mirrored at home with you. Practicing these skills will be key and it is going to have to take effort on the part of both of you too. My hopes would be that you could share some of what you are learning and developing and you both could work together as a team so that it could help strengthen your relationship/marriage as a whole.

One of the main ingredients to healthy communication is active listening. This is where you really want to focus on trying to understand what your partner is saying to you. We too often listen to respond vs listen to hear. When you are making a conscious effort to listen to what your spouse is saying and really trying to hear the message they are sending that would require listening to hear. By doing this your are going to increase both communication and rapport in our marriage. After all, isn't that the point of communication, attempting to communicate information, needs, feelings and concerns with each other. 

Another skill and technique that is a life changer is using "I Statements" when communicating your needs. This often brings a more positive response from your partner and eliminates any blame or defensiveness that may erupt if you start by using "you statements". It is also very helpful and very important to try to understand the other person's feelings and putting yourself in their shoes. Showing and practicing empathy and trying to understand your partner's view point will assist with meeting your partner's needs or your needs if you are the one relaying the information. We all want to be heard and understood so that is another key point to remember when working to improve communication.

Also, try to remember what attracted you both to each other to begin with. Try to spend some time with communicating those positive traits with each other, talk about things that are going well too. Make sure to prioritize time to communicate with one another. We often forget about the nonverbal part of communication and how much it can impact the interactions we have. Pay attention to your tone of voice, facial expressions and body language. All of these have an impact on what you are saying. I always encourage couples to try to spend quality time together. I know this can be hard with little ones, I get that. Even starting out small but being creative in how you can save some time for one another. And remember when you are discussing issues or problems, the goal is to find solutions together. These are a few skills to practice to start increasing healthy communication with others. Again, it takes time and effort from all involved.

I wish you the best and thank you for opening up to ask for support on this topic. I know sometimes taking that step can be hard.