How can I stop enabling bad behavior?

Good day, thank you for your question. It is very understandable how you could easily become wrapped up in the issues presented within your partner. There are many feelings involved usually when it comes to this, possibly about needing to be there for him, but at the same time very angry with him for all the behaviors that he has created. And reflecting on the word of codependent that you used, how do you feel you would relate to that in a mutual sense? The first step is to identify the elements that he depends on you for and then also the elements that you depend on him for. Common questions in order to identify this may include: Are there ways that you are trying to fix some thing that hasn't been resolved in the past through this person? Either if it is someone who was similar to him or that you are carrying out a role that you feel comfortable with in the relationship that has always suited you? For example, it is common as the non-alcoholic in the scenario to be the caregiver for the other person and feel that it is your role to take care of them. The feeling of taking care of him may be more forthcoming than your own happiness. And then in return there is a sense of feeling needed and valuable in this situation with him. I am not assuming that that is what is happening, I am mainly just giving an example. You may be able to relate to this though or there is something in regards to a mutual give-and-take that is happening within the codependency of the relationship.

Once you identify this, it is time to do some work in regards to internally reflecting on your own wants and needs or in the areas in which you feel that you must be more fulfilled. When these areas are identified or you have taken some time to reflect on what is most important to you, then you could start to make steps on how you find other ways to fulfilled these needs. Overall, I will say, it is common that this part does take some time. It is definitely emotionally involved in order to continue to try to separate yourself from him and having a better understanding of your own needs, especially if he is using manipulative tactics. 

Before getting into the overall structure, it is important to identify the type of manipulation pattern that is happening. Is he saying things that are really just being used to get you to react a certain way or to paint a picture in order to move toward doing what he would like to do? Once you start to really understand and pinpoint the pattern and timing of the intentions of his manipulation, you will be able to figure out how you could best respond in order to start to detach and feel more in control with the interactions. Often friends and outside people will look at a situation that is not helpful in a relationship and say oh "just leave" and "he is not good for you." Unfortunately it is not that simple, I'm very understanding as to why. There is a lot of entangled feelings usually in these situations in which lead you to have a very difficult time in each step of the breaking away. These emotions can present as loneliness, guilt, questioning if you did the right thing, anxiety about the future, dealing with the anxiety of what he may do next if you were not there, etc. The answer and doing the work is going to be letting go of all of these possibilities, trying to not be responsible for them, and knowing that you cannot put all of the responsibility on yourself. Your partner is a separate person with his own sense of responsibility. In saying that, he also is responsible for any poor/positive choice and the consequences of those decisions. It is important to understand that in breaking away from enabling, you have to work through your own anxiety of stepping away from the situation and possibly allowing them to make mistakes and showing them what it is like if they have to take more ownership. You may be more surprised than you think about the results. 

These ideas can also be applied to times that he is emotionally expecting you to just "be there" emotionally and that he does not have to produce any work on his end. You can hold back on behaviors that you would normally do in order to be there for him. This part might also be helpful on your end if you start to identify your own emotional needs more and what you would need from him or in general other people. It is important in breaking away from the enabling as well to start to challenge the other person in the relationship as much as possible to be independent or if they were put in a situation to be there more for you, what would they do. 

Lastly, and addressing times that he is there for you or does fulfill certain individual needs on your end, what it comes down to is looking at short-term and long-term effects. Are his actions of possibly fulfilling you helpful for you in the long run or are they more of a momentary "feel good" feeling that is more short term? Due to the behaviors that you described above, it is possible that anything that he is giving back to you may be more short term. It is important to reflect on this question: Are the short term for fulfillments worth it to stay compared to the long-term difficulties that you may have? If the answer is "Yes", it is OK to recognize where you are at emotionally, and if the answer is "No", then it shows that you may be ready to take note of these situations more as they happen. In going through this process, it is important for you to have empathy for yourself and know that just like many things that are emotionally overwhelming, things take time in order to break away gradually and as you are emotionally ready. If you feel that you have had a period of "having enough," you are ready to start the journey in your reflections. You may go forward and then go backwards at times, don't let the times that you go backwards stop you from continuing to move forward. This is very normal in this process of breaking away.

Remember, that you are stronger than you think or what you can imagine at this moment.

Good luck with everything in this journey!