Ask a therapist > Relationships > How can I stop myself chasing unavailable people?

How can I stop myself chasing unavailable people?

I got involved with someone who is in a relationship with someone else. I like them but I know they are unavailable for me. I still want them a lot even when I know deep down this connection isn't healthy as there are lies and infidelity. It's frustrating for me as our connection is nice but in continuing, I'll only hurt myself more. I feel a bit used having his attention from the beginning but as soon as we became intimate, our communication is more sporadic now. I haven't seen him since. How can I disconnect and stop myself from wanting the unavailable?

Asked by Bimi

Relationships

Answered

10/17/2022

Hi Bimi,

I am so sorry that you are experiencing heartache as a result of your relationship challenges. I believe that it takes a great deal of courage to discuss and desire to end emotionally harmful relationships. I applaud your bravery in seeking support towards doing so. I think that you described your partner in an appropriate manner. A person who is in a committed relationship with someone else is for all intents and purposes emotionally unavailable even if they engage in intercourse with someone else. It is also true that a partner who becomes unavailable immediately after sex, lies, and is unfaithful is emotionally harmful as their behaviors make it difficult to build and sustain trust and intimacy across the span of the relationship, and lend towards substantial frustration and pain for their partner.

I noted that you described feeling connected to your partner, and described feeling connected to them. It is natural to experience a level of connection with someone after a level of emotional and physical intimacy. However, it is important to note that experiencing a level of connection does not equate to someone being healthy for you.

You described feeling used by and afraid of continuing to be hurt by a person who lies to you and is unfaithful to you and someone else. It does not sound as if your feelings about this person are "deep down". It sounds as if you're more certain than not that it is an unhealthy circumstance that is costing you emotionally and benefitting them physically.

I encourage you to look deeper into what needs you may be experiencing as being met by a partner who hurts you in this way. You deserve to be treated so much better than this. You deserve to be a priority. I applaud you for showing up and being present for yourself in this way.

Life can be challenging, but the people who espouse care for you should not disregard you in this manner, I encourage you to continue to give grace and kindness to yourself on this and all days of your journey.

Kind regards,

Erica

Mrs. Erica Springer