How can I stop overthinking about my partner?

Hi there,

Thank you so much for taking the time to ask this question, I am sure that other people will be curious to the answer to this and have similar experiences to what you speak about here. It sounds like you have noticed a bit of a shift in how you are feeling about your relationship. To start with you were feeling very chilled and relaxed about what they did and who they were around and now you notice that you are worrying and feeling like you need to check up on what they are doing. 

It sounds to me, and I could be wrong as I don't know the whole story, that you are really worried about your partner leaving or hurting you in some way. However, by worrying as you are at the moment, you are noticing that it is impacting on your relationship too, rather than helping it.

It is really common for our minds to worry about possibilities of people leaving and hurting us, as by worrying about it our minds think that they can stop it or prevent it; however it also means that we are constantly on 'high alert' to potential things that may cause us harm (such as wanting to look to see if our partner has followed someone new). This is an exhausting cycle to be in, and can leave us feeling constantly on edge and not safe. Our mind thinks that it is being helpful however, so the cycle keeps going. 

What I would say is that in these situations there are two options which may help. Firstly, it can be really helpful to have an open conversation with our partners. This can feel scary and it makes sense that it would as it's putting ourselves in a vulnerable position, however at this moment it may be the main thing that will give some reassurance to the part of your mind that is worried. I tend to say to people to open up the conversation with something like 'I'm not quite sure what is going on right now, however I am noticing that I am a bit more worried that you are going to to leave me or cheat on me. I feel that this is impacting on our relationship and I wondered if we could talk about it a little together?'

It may be that you and your partner can talk though what is happening, and reassurance is offered surrounding the worries you have. The other option is to think about where these thoughts are coming from with a therapist and begin to make sense of them and build up our toolbox for managing them too. 

It sounds to me that you care deeply for your partner and you are concerned about being hurt; it is a really normal and human feeling to hold, however when it begins to impact significantly on you or your relationship, that can be when it is helpful to seek support as you have done here. 

I hope that is helpful.

Best wishes,

Nikki