Ask a therapist > Relationships > How can I stop overthinking and causing arguments?

How can I stop overthinking and causing arguments?

When my husband doesn’t want to hold hands or be affectionate I start convincing myself he’s annoyed with me, or there’s someone else he likes instead, or that I’m a burden. How can I stop myself from overthinking and just calm down and be collected and calm. I start to overreact and attack him when I feel insecure. I want to be secure in myself and my relationship, he’s told me he’d never do anything to hurt me and he’d never leave me and he’s never given me a reason not to trust him but I’m just a ball of anxiety and overthinking. I really want to stop and be happy and secure for once.
Show more
Asked by Suri
Relationships
Rejection
Answered
11/06/2022

I think it would be important to look more closely about when and why these negative ruminating thoughts regarding your relationship and marriage started. 

Some of the questions I would want to explore with you would include the following.

  • Do you have insecurities in your other relationships or just with your husband?
  • Is this an ongoing issue that you have struggled with during previous romantic relationships with other people? 
  • Did these insecurities in your marriage start in the beginning of your relationship or have they evolved over time?
  • Has your husband done anything in the past to cause you to feel like you can not trust him or question his committment to you? 
  • Is self esteem a struggle for you and do you feel like it has impacted your relationship with your husband?   
  • Have there been any major changes in your relationship recently that has caused some strain on your marriage? 
  • How do you feel like you communicate your feelings of insecurity with your husband and how does he receive what you are communicating? 
  • How do you feel like as a couple you prioritize quality time with each other? 

After you answer these questions, I think it might give you some clarity about how you are feeling and thinking.  Are you needing to work on self esteem, improving communication with your husband, going through growing pains during a new season of your marriage, making quality with each other more of a priority or are there past hurts that you are still struggling with?  I think trying to get to the root of the insecurity or the way you are thinking and reacting is key. 

Different things you can do to explore these insecurities include sitting down and evaluating the feelings you are feeling and exploring them more deeply, making self care and finding things that replenish your energy and self esteem, determining if there are things that are triggering these feelings and communicating to your husband what he can do to support you as you are making changes in your life to be happier, more secure and more fulfilled.

I think finding a counselor who can help you on your journey of self improvement both personally and in your relationship with others (most importantly) with your husband can help you find the security and happiness that you are yearning to have.

(LCSW)