How can I tell if the problems in the marriage are me or my husband making me believe it is me?

Hi there, 

Thank you for submitting your question, but I am sorry to hear about the situation you are in. I hope that my response can give you some things to consider and that will hopefully help you start to feel better. 

When he blames things on you, try to verbalize what you feel your truth is about the situation. Give yourself time to consider your responsibility in the situation, that way you if you are feeling unsure you can contemplate if your behavior is something that could be seen as upsetting or problematic to him. However, even if you feel you may have some responsibility in whatever he is blaming you for, you can still advocate for yourself and for your needs. This might entail you saying something like "I do not feel this is my fault, and it hurts my feelings when you place unnecessary blame on me" or "Yes, I can understand why you feel this is my fault, but I feel frustrated that you are making me feel bad about my mistake." This is so that he understands he cannot just throw blame on you for things and expect you to just accept it when you feel it is not right for him to do so. 

Another thing that came to mind during your question is that there may be a bit of gaslighting going on within the relationship. If you are unfamiliar with that term, it refers to psychological manipulation of a person that causes the person to question their reality or the validity of their thoughts and feelings. From what you briefly explained, it sounds like him telling you to accept that you are crazy and that he is causing you to question if you are really to blame for what he says you are really fit the gaslighting description. Some ways to combat this are similar to what I said above with restating what your truth is so that he does not allow you to question your narrative. This may sound like you saying to him "I have a different memory of the situation than you, so there is no point in debating about what happened" or "I know that you feel differently than I do, but my feelings are valid and you are not allowed to tell me how I should feel." 

Another tactic to try with him is if you know that things are starting to head down a rocky road in a conversation, try to change course before it heads there. This might sound like "I can tell where this conversation is going and I do not like it. Let's discuss it a different time." 

Ultimately, you may find a sense of empowerment in communicating your truth instead of letting him create the narrative and hold the power to tell you what to think and feel. This will also hopefully help him understand that he cannot continue to treat you how he has been and learn to change his ways. If these things do not help alleviate some of your concerns and improve things,  I recommend meeting with a mental health professional, even if just briefly, to help you work through these things on a more ongoing and individualized basis. I wish you all the best of luck on your journey forward and hope things improve for you. Take care. 

Cory Bedtke, LCSW