How do I ask for help without making my partner feel like they aren't helpful?

Thank you so much for asking this very important question. Asking for help in general can be a very hard thing to do and can become very complicated internally given the type of relationship. One of the tips I often provide my clients regarding communicating their needs to their partner, is to first believe that the conversation will be positive. Unfortunately, you cannot always control how others perceive what you communicate to them, but you do your best to come from a positive and clear space.  Within counseling, one of the techniques that is often taught is “I-statements.” An I-statement is a communication style that focuses on the feelings, thoughts, and beliefs of the individual who is speaking rather than coming across as demanding or accusatory when speaking with others. The benefit of this communication style is that helps decrease the possibility of a defensive response from your partner.

For example, using I-statements within your situation stating something like “I have been feeling overwhelmed lately when it comes to making decisions and doing things around the house. I realize when I am feeling this way, I may need your help a little more with making decisions and getting things done around the house.” This type of statement will allow you to clearly expresses how you are feeling, what attributes to that feeling, and what you need in those moments. On the other side, if you were to state to your partner, “I am overwhelmed and I need you help me more around the house.” This is also direct and clear on what you are feeling and needing, however it sends a message that it is their fault which can immediately put them on the defense.

Our tone and words are very important, because the objective of the conversation is for you both to walk away with a clear understanding of what was communicated. Sometimes this is very hard to do, especially with a close relationship or loved one because of the fear of how they may react. It is important to not allow the fear of how your partner will react to overshadow the importance of being open and honest. Another tip I would recommend, is to practice balancing out your thinking concerning this matter. What that means is thinking about how the conversation may go in a positive direction when thoughts of it not being received well come up. Doing this will allow you to be more hopeful regarding having the discussion and decrease some of the stress around having this discussion. Lastly, it is also important to remind yourself of why communicating this is important to you. For example, will this help you decrease feelings of overwhelm, and if so, how will that impact your interactions with your partner and in all other areas of your life. If you find that while you are communicating to your partner, they start to become defensive or take what you are saying the wrong way, it is okay to take a moment and acknowledge how they may feel and ensure them that is not your intent. Sometimes, just a simple pause in a conversation and validating how someone may feel is just what is needed to get things back on track.

Learning to communicate the deeper feelings you are having and what you need from others due to those feelings can seem very hard to do. But much like most new things once you practice it or engage in it more it becomes easier. If you find continued struggles with trying to express yourself, practice saying it out loud to yourself or even writing it out to your partner may also be very helpful. The most important thing is to try not to hold it in because that may have an adverse effect on the situation and create more struggles or new issues to have to work through. Thank you so much for asking this question. I hope this response was helpful, and please know that talking through some of these things in therapy is a great help as well.