Ask a therapist > Relationships > How do I become enough for myself? How do I love myself enough to not let anyone affect my mood?

How do I become enough for myself? How do I love myself enough to not let anyone affect my mood?

I have been seeing a guy for over a year now. I really like him so much because he makes me feel so seen and heard. I didn't grow up having a father. So whenever I was with him, I always think that maybe that's how it is like to have a father. I love this guy, but I don't know how to express my feelings in a healthy way. I keep bottling all my feelings until I explode, leaving him in shock. He says that I push people away. I appear and disappear out of his life frequently depending on my mood. During the entire time of our situationship, I was so confused. I was confused because sometimes he makes me feel like he wants me and other times, he doesn't. But as a friend, he is really good to me. He's like a therapist to me. But as a potential lover, all I felt was confusion with where I stand in his life and what we really were. He's one of the reasons why I can't sleep at night because I keep thinking about him.
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Asked by Niah
Relationships
Answered
11/13/2022

It sounds like you are in a committed relationship with a person, for over a year. You feel validated by this person and they are meeting your needs. You are noticing that this is filling a gap that you have experienced, not having a father.  When you say you don't know how to express your feelings, in a healthy way.. I'm curious as to what this looks like. You say that it all gets held in until this explodes. I'm curious if this explosion comes out in anger, love bombing, etc?

It sounds like you don't have a significant experience with a male partner attending to these needs in the past, so your presence and then absence volley back in forth is coming from your inability to know how to attend to this relationship. How would you know if you haven't had that? Your defenses are likely coming up in attempts to keep you safe. Especially if people attending to these needs in the past, resulted in negative consequences. Your brain/body isn't quite sure how to respond here. So it separates from others (maybe because others have hurt you in the past), yet it knows it needs that social connection, so it comes on back and you attempt to connect with this person. 

I think that getting started in therapy could benefit you significantly. I know you mentioned he is like your therapist, but having this outside support could be exactly what you need to achieve the skills to communicate effectively, regulate your emotions.  DBT is a specific modality of treatment that I think could be beneficial for you!  I will note some outlines of DBT below: 

There are 5 unique and key elements to DBT. The first would be enhancing your capabilities in regulating emotions, paying attention to your experiences utilizing mindfulness and regulating your attention to even “notice” your experiences. Generalizing these capabilities into your every day life. Improving motivation and reducing your dysfunctional behaviors, structuring your environment to reduce reinforcements of negative behaviors, and lastly – the therapist engaging in routine clinical consultation which is also very unique to DBT (as this is continuously required if practicing formal DBT.) 

There is a heavy emphasis on your emotions, with a balance between knowing you do need to change some aspects, but accepting what one cannot, and a lot of mindfulness and present moment interventions. 

The specific skills that are learned are as follows: Mindfulness, as I already noted, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness (objective, relationship, self-respect). 

(LPC, MS)