How do I break up with my partner?

Hi Jack, I appreciate you bringing this valuable question to the "Ask a Licensed Therapist" forum! I am so glad to see that you have decided to reach out for support at this time. It is a really great sign that you are willing to share the details about your current relationship status. I can tell that you are open to hearing some feedback and receiving some guidance on how to proceed with ending your relationship.

Based on what you had written in your question, it sounds like you have already made the decision to end the relationship. That is a wonderful first step in the process. What will that be like for you to transition into a friendship with your partner? It sounds like you both have been able to help each other a lot during your time together. Would you consider your partner to be a primary support for you, vice versa?

I think it makes sense that you would want to invest more time in seeing your daughter. It seems like you will have some additional time to focus on spending time with your daughter when you move out and that having your own separate living space will benefit your relationship with your daughter tremendously. Have you spoken with your current partner about the fact that you are spending more time with her children than your own daughter and that you would like to begin prioritize seeing your daughter? I can see where you are coming from in that regard and I think it might be helpful for you to inform your partner about this if you have not done so already.

In addition, I can tell that you would like to prioritize having your own living space. It sounds like you are ready to begin to move out and live on your own after many months of living with your partner and her children. Would you be willing to write a list of reasons as to why you want to have your own space and live separately? I can tell that you have already begun the process of identifying your reasons, such as there not being enough living space for all of you at the residence. Perhaps keeping track of your reasons for your decision will ultimately assist you in sharing your thoughts with your partner when the time comes.

One of the things that you may want to focus on is how to share your decision to end the relationship with your partner. Do you think it is best to inform her in person, while at home or during the weekend? Perhaps you can utilize your writing skills to construct a letter or a note that you can give to her. I recommend having time for a private discussion and arranging for the children to be with a friend, family member or even at school, if possible. If you decide to inform her via text message or through email, would you be willing to have someone proof read your draft and provide you with feedback about how you to word your message? Essentially, it is completely up to you how you want to tell her about your decision to transition from a relationship to a friendship.

I think that you have drafted your question rather eloquently and have put a lot of thought into this process. If you are able to explain this decision to your partner in the way that you have explained it in your question, that would be ideal. My advice is to be objective and realistic when delivering the news to her. Do you think she will handle the break up well? A line that I use in both my personal and professional life when delivering a difficult decision that has been helpful for me is: "My decision has already been made. There is nothing you can do or say to change my mind or alter my choice." It is important to reinforce the boundaries of the relationship when ending the relationship.

The time you spend focusing on yourself sounds like it will be a good change for you. I tell the clients that I work with to take time to prioritize their own needs. Self care skills are extremely valuable and can go a long way. Self love is priceless and incomparable to any other love. Being selfish is key- not in a "no one else matters" way but in an "I truly love myself" kind of way. I can tell that you have identified playing Playstation as a means for you to practice self care. I would like to encourage you to continue to build up and practice your self care skills before and after ending the relationship.

You may want to consider practicing this break up through role play or writing a semi structured script. It may be helpful for you to visualize how the break up will go. Lastly, you may want to create a visual, such as a map or a flow chart that demonstrates how you expect your experience ending the relationship to pan out. Even writing in a therapeutic way, such as journaling or writing a letter that you do not plan to send, can be extremely beneficial for individuals who are preparing to communicate difficult news. I realize that this will be a challenge but it is necessary for you to tell her your plan so you can both prepare for the change in your current relationship.

At this time, I recommend individual counseling sessions on a weekly or bi weekly basis. The BetterHelp platform offers video calls, phone sessions and live chat as three different modalities to connect with the therapists who are contracted on the BetterHelp platform.

Thank you again so much for reaching out for support on the BetterHelp platform. I am so glad that you brought this important question to the forum. I want to wish you all the best moving forward!