How do I change the way I am towards other?

Maui,  thank you for your question. It is actually quite a common question and situation that I hear. Hopefully I can touch on a possible answer to "why" and even better, how to "fix" it. I say fix in quotations as there is no magic overnight cure. Just as learning any new skill, it takes patience, time, and work on your part to overcome this obstacle.

First, it is just an obstacle, not a defect. For the why: a lot of times we develop attachment styles on childhood. Maybe a parent was not as attuned to the child as maybe what occurs in other families. Attunement refers to how healthily attached a person is to another person - emotionally and physically. The theory is that with too little attunement, the child grows a certain attachment style that creates an avoidant style as they have not learned how to trust the closeness people get to them. Too much attunement (enmeshment) can develop an anxious style of attachment as the child grows into adulthood. Sometimes it's due to no fault of the parent - maybe circumstances cause them to work long hours, or they never learned healthy attunement skills themselves. Sometimes parents make choices that are not the healthiest for child rearing. Regardless if the cause, there are ways to overcome this. It is also possible that your attachment style is due to previous relationships that were not the healthiest for you, maybe toxic or abusive. Maybe someone has hurt you when you were vulnerable. There are several other theories of the "why" but this seems to be the most prevalent.

Now, what to do about it?  There are probably two components at play here. 1. The initial anxiety of developing a close relationship. 2.  The habit formation of how you engage with others - any behavior and thought patterns can become a habit if repeated enough times.

About the anxiety - so much can be said on this topic but I will try to be succinct with only a handful of tools to help. You may not recognize it as anxiety, but it most likely is. You've mentioned that it is based upon the fear of being left (rejection/abandoned).  Most likely your brain automatically plays the "what if game."  From my experience with clients since I can't ask you directly, the answer sounds something like this: if he/she leaves I will be devastated. This is usually based upon the FEELING OF DEVASTATION, not actually being devastated. So, if you are left, yes, it will feel devastating for a week or so. It will hurt. You may think about that person the majority of the time of the day, you may cry quite a bit, it may be hard to stick to a routine, etc. the next week, you may spend a few less hours of the day thinking about them, cry a little less, start to get back into your routine, go out with friends, etc. In a month or two, you may start to remember fonder memories of that person along with the hurt. The hurt won't be completely gone, but your level of functioning will return to normal. In other words, you will gradually return to normal. On the flip side of the "what if game," what if it is a wonderful experience?  What if you develop a strong closeness to this person?  What if it's your forever person?  What if you can develop a great friendship even if it doesn't develop into a romantic partnership?  We tend to "what if" catastrophes, but not allow ourselves to "what if" wonderful experiences out of fear of getting our hopes too high. It's a self sabotaging lose-lose situation. It hurts to not have intimate relationships, and it hurts to have them and lose them.

Now, how to break that habit of reacting in fear?  First be aware of it, which you are. Notice what thoughts and physical feelings you have when you are at that tipping point of becoming closer to a person whether it's a friend or potential partner. Take your "participant" hat off and put your "observer" hat on for a bit. Take a mental note of what you are thinking, feeling (emotionally and physically), and doing. Most likely you are conveying cues to the other person that you are closed off. There are many books on nonverbal communication that list out what these cues are. Start to learn some nonverbal cues that suggest you are more open. Try matching their body language for a bit. Obviously there are limits, and don't go overboard, such as can be imagined with an intoxicated "handsy" person - don't mirror that.  Then there is the idea of reciprocity in messages of vulnerability. Over time, a person might communicate a minor vulnerability. That's your cue to be reciprocal with your own minor vulnerability. See what they do with it. Do they respect it - not blab about to everyone, not make fun of you for it, etc. This is the art of building trust. Don't overshare but do share a little to observe how they act with it. This is when self doubt can sneak in - did I scare them away, did I share too much?  It's okay to ponder those questions a bit, but don't let it block you by hesitating further interactions. This is the hard part, but it's helpful to me to remind myself that they are probably having some of the same fears I'm having. They are probably more worried about their own presentation than they are my presentation. A good book to learn about these cues is "Captivate" by Vanessa Van Edwards.

I hope this response was helpful to you. It's really the tip of the iceberg. If you feel you want to go deeper into this issue, reach out to a therapist to work with you to solve some of your specific questions.