How do I deal with grief? I don't know what to do about it. I lost someone dear to me. Please help.

Good afternoon Ling, I am glad you are here and reaching out for support during this difficult, painful and confusing time in your life. Being betrayed and feeling all of the emotions that come along with being cheated on is overwhelming enough and then to add the layer of loss on top of it can be very challenging to navigate. I'm hearing that there are multiple losses her that you have identified. The loss of your boyfriend, your best friend, your safe space and your favorite person. You are also experiencing dishonesty from friends as well which can make you feel like you are in this alone and question your worthiness. 

One thing that may be beneath a lot of the pain you are experiencing right now is reminding yourself of the respect that you deserve, especially from someone that you have put your all into up until the point. I just want you to make sure that you prioritize you and your overall wellbeing at this time. You are right though in saying that you are dealing with grief. Just as you would grieve when a loved one dies, a breakup or betrayal by a significant other will bring the same loss. I know right now it may feel like you cannot move on or function but you will be able to and this can be a catalyst of growth for you.

When a relationship comes to an end we can feel so many emotions swirling around in our hearts and have tons of thoughts in our minds. You could be in shock, or not believe this is really happening. How could he do this to me? Why am I not good enough? Why cant he just tell me the truth? All of these thoughts are common thoughts we battle when we find out our partner is cheating on us. Thinking about a future without that person can also bring a great deal of anxiety. It can be tricky too because when we lose someone to death, we no longer see them. When we have a relationship end, we may still see that person daily, weekly or run in to them from time to time. In your case, it sounds like since the truth is not out on the table yet, you are still seeing him regularly. That must be very hard. It shows me that you are already a very strong young woman and I hope that you will be able to channel some of that strength to help you make the right decision for you to move forward. The dynamics of the relationship can definitely complicate grief as you move ahead too.

When we end a relationship we may lose friendships or family of the other persons. With all of this being said, it is so important that you work through this grief. Avoiding grief can make you get stuck in feelings of loneliness, sadness, anger frustration, shame and guilt. You may then even start to turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms just to deal with all of these feelings that you do not want to work through because you do not want to believe the reality of the sitution. We have to grieve in order to help our brains adjust to the new reality. And without addressing it, we may get stuck and it can rob our ability of continued self growth.

One thing you may not realize is that when a relationship comes to an end, this can be a great time for self reflection, taking inventory of our values and desires and identifying what kind of life we want moving forward. I know right now that may not be your number one priority but it is one that you deserve to focus on. As you move forward in the next few days, weeks and months, I want you to make sure that you are leaning on those around you that are supportive in a healthy way. Be open with your feelings, with yourself and with others that you feel are safe to talk to about this situation. Take care of yourself. I am going to repeat that one, take care of yourself. Make sure you are eating, sleeping and getting some type of physical activity. It is going to help when things get hard and provide what you need to get through this. Making sure you have some sort of structure and or routine to your days will be very helpful too. This will help you to continue to live life as you grieve and heal from this heartache.  Once you are ready to make the break, keep the distance between you. Trying to text or seek them out on social media is just going to make things worse. This person had the opportunity to be committed to you fully and they chose not to and continue to not be honest about their behaviors.

Take this time to work on yourself and get back to you. Try to pick back up on things you enjoy doing and reach out to others that you can do things with as days move forward. I wish you all the best moving forward in this process. Be kind, compassionate and loving to yourself. I hope this helps. You deserve someone to reciprocate a healthy relationship back to you, remember that!