How do I stop expecting things like emotional clarity from others around me?

Hi Jubi, 

Thank you for your question - I hope that I can provide some clarity for you with my answer. 

The first thing to note that there is not anything necessarily wrong with wanting a certain level of emotional comfort or support from your loved ones. This is a natural part of a healthy relationship and though they are certainly not obliged to provide support to you at all times, it is fair for you to expect such comfort in your relationships. Therefore, it is important to recognize what it is that makes you feel that you should stop seeking this from them. Do you feel that you expect it from them but cannot give it in return? Do you feel like you are overstepping boundaries? Have they made you feel bad about seeking support from them? Perhaps - as you've touched upon in your question - you're unsure of how to effectively support yourself in such a way? 

It is also helpful to understand exactly what it is that you are seeking from them. Is it a sense of reassurance? Do you feel like you need advice? Perhaps by them providing emotional support to you, it is providing you with evidence that they care about you which can be a comfort if you feel some insecurity in your relationships. 

The above are some beneficial things to reflect on, but to really start providing yourself with emotional support and comfort, there are certain steps that you can take. Understanding your emotions is important for you to know how to look after yourself, so taking the time to reflect on your emotions could help. A process like journalling is very helpful for this, even if you just take brief notes about your emotions. It can be helpful to make a log of the emotions that you experience through the day, and the events that happened around those emotions. For example, you may log that at 10am you were feeling anxious after scrolling social media, but at 2pm you texted a friend and then you felt relieved. Practicing this, even just for a few weeks, can be a great way to build self-awareness and understand your emotions and what causes them. It can also be very helpful when it comes to recognizing behaviors which make you feel worse emotionally, so that you can work to reduce those behaviors and replace them with more positive ones instead. 

Supporting yourself emotionally also requires an element of putting yourself first. When you're offloading to somebody about your emotions, you would expect them to give you their complete attention, allowing you to feel heard and understood. This is what you are aiming to do for yourself - take time, where you can, to really just check in with yourself and listen to what's going on with you. It may be important for you to put boundaries in place to do so, making it clear to those around you that you need to take time for yourself. When you put boundaries in place, it is a way of proving to yourself that you are just as important as other people, which in turn can increase your feelings of self-confidence and self-esteem - this may then make it easier to trust your own judgement and you may find it easier to look inwards for comfort and answers, rather than seeking such things from others. 

If you sometimes feel like your emotions are not manageable, or that you struggle to contain them without the support of others, finding techniques to manage your emotions is key. This is where mindfulness can be beneficial - mindfulness is all about focusing in on your environment to make emotions feel more under control and to increase your appreciation for the world around you. There are some handy mindfulness techniques that can be found at this webpage.

However, sometimes it is simply just hard to find our own answers and comforts - it is natural for this to be a tough process. It is hard when we are experiencing emotions for us to view them objectively to consider different options - this is often why we seek out the perspective of others. This is where therapy can be helpful - a therapist is an objective person who can support you as you reflect on your feelings and consider ways of addressing them yourself. Contrary to popular belief, therapists do not necessarily provide answers for you - many therapists are there to help you find answers for yourself and build your confidence in doing so. If you are looking to seek answers and comfort from yourself, therapy can be a great place to begin the process of doing so. 

I hope that this answer provides some helpful guidance for you. Having a certain level of independence when it comes to managing emotions is beneficial, and it is great that you are looking to challenge yourself and your current behaviors. Please do not hesitate to reach out for help if you feel that it would be of benefit to you during this process.