Ask a therapist > Relationships > How do I trust again after being lied to and by my definition cheated on...

How do I trust again after being lied to and by my definition cheated on...

I already had trust issues due to everyone I've known either lying, cheating, or leaving for someone else...he knew this and knew what I considered cheating...he not only did but then point blank lied to me about another thing in order for us to date cuz he wanted to...a few months back over the summer I found out about the cheating (I went thru his old phone, that still syncs, while he was outside because I had a gut feeling I couldn't ignore) saw the multiple girls and messages and pictures and was angry and hurt and I went ahead and have tried to give him a second chance. but now he wants to hang out alone with a female friend that I don't know and he gets mad and says I'm dictating his life by saying I don't want him to...idk what to do. I hate feeling the way I do but he's done nothing but force me to change my boundaries for him from day one and then lied to and cheated on me on top of it, and his only defense is "I couldn't physically cheat on you if I tried" and "well now I have trust issues cuz you went thru my phone." i don't know, I'm tired and hurt and angry and idk how to make it work...I feel stupid...I don't wanna fight with him over this anymore but I know I'm not gonna be comfortable with him being alone with other females, especially if I don't know them, and that's all he seems to care about being able to do...I want to be with him but idk if it can even work..

Asked by M

Relationships

Dating

Answered

12/23/2022

Dear M,

I think you have every right in the world to feel hurt, betrayed, and dumbfounded by the behavior of your significant other. Healthy relationships can and should be built on honesty and transparency. And from you description here, it seems like your man is making choices to undermine his credibility. Moreover, do you see how his behavior is fostering untrustworthiness in yourself as well? You mentioned above how you searched his phone only to find evidence of emotional infidelity later on. Though your behavior is completely understandable, I am not sure if it is a good idea to encourage it. It will likely breed more secretive behavior from him - which is exactly what you don't want to have happen.

One more thing I would like to call your attention to. You mentioned, "I'm not going to be comfortable with him being alone with other females, especially if I don't know them, and that's all he seems to care about being able to do." I don't know about you, but that tells me a lot about his intentions. He is telling you that he wants to be able to 'do his own thing' and talk to who he wants when he wants. And unless he finds a good reason to stop doing it, I highly doubt he will change his ways anytime soon. BELIEVE PEOPLE WHEN THEY SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE. So, ask yourself: Are you okay being with him knowing he will likely be talking to other women? If you stay in the relationship, I think that means you are okay with it. Leaving the relationship will definitely send the message that this sort of thing is not okay with you.

I know that this is probably a lot to consider. And I understand if you don't feel ready to make any big moves just yet. In the meantime, I just encourage you to start thinking about the type of relationship you truly want to be in. Because in the end, we all make decisions as to how we want to be treated.

I hope my response was helpful to you, M. And I wish you better mental health and a good holiday weekend.

With encouragement,

- Bayley Johnson, MA, LMHC

Bayley Johnson