How do I trust him?

Hello BB,

Thank you for submitting your question.  This is such an important question, because it impacts a primary relationship in your life, but also because I know that you are not the only person experiencing this internal conflict. How to regain trust when it's been lost is an important relational task, but how to give trust (especially if the person has NOT done something that caused the trust to be lost) is an internal issue to be explored.

You have a lot of insight into the current dynamic of your relationship.  Starting off with insight is a very positive thing, as it means that you are ready to start the work.  Starting the work (although this is a relationship issue) usually is internal.  One recommendation would be to consider beginning to keep track of when these trust issues and insecurities pop up.  You've mentioned two circumstances, when he is out with friends and when he is in conversation with other women.  When those circumstances are happening, what is happening with you?  You might consider trying journaling.  Are you feeling lonely? Are you feeling left out? You mentioned feeling jealous, when that happens - what intrusive thoughts come to your mind? 

Once you've identified the patterns, the next step might be to take a small action towards a shift.  For example, if you see your boyfriend talking to a female across the room and you begin to feel jealous, you might have a thought about "he thinks she is more interesting than I am."  Practice catching yourself having that thought, recognizing it for what it is, and then challenge it.  Challenging it might be telling yourself, "I know that is not true" or "This is an irrational thought."  For some, challenging it directly might be difficult at first, another solution might be coming up with reasonable alternatives to prevent acting out on that irrational thought.  These could be, "He thinks she is interesting BUT he and I share X, Y, and Z commonalities that are the foundation of our relationship", "He is gathering information about her because he thinks she would be a good match for his single friend", "He is not interested, but he is very polite so he is listening", etcetera.  The important thing is to identify as many reasonable possibilities for an explanation as possible.  This allows your brain the time and space that it sometimes needs to make a rational decision about what to do next.  It can decrease impulsivity and decrease emotional response to a trigger.

There is a model for treatment called ABC.  It describes three events that lead to an action:  

A. Adversity or activating event.

B. Your beliefs about the event. It involves both obvious and underlying thoughts about situations, yourself, and others.

C. Consequences, which includes your behavioral or emotional response.

Often times what happens is that people target a change in the consequences (letter C) before identifying or understanding the beliefs (letter B).

The examples that I'm describing above, target deeper understanding and control of the beliefs about the activating event or trigger.  Oftentimes beliefs become quite automatic and can go unchecked.  We have the ability to recognize and make decisions about our beliefs, determining whether or not that old belief still serves us or is beneficial.  Sometimes those beliefs are caused by a past fear that don't apply to the current situation.  

In summary, I hope that you are giving yourself credit for the steps you've already taken to recognize what is not working for you and what needs to be changed.  There is hard work to be done, but you are capable of doing it!

Take care,

Bianca