How do you deal with being with a partner who has kids?

Sugar,

Being in a new relationship with someone who has children can be tricky.  The divorce rate for blended families is approximately 60%. However, that leaves 40% of marriages/relationships that last. Some keys to success in this situation include, 1) having a good sense of self/confidence/emotional independence/self-respect, 2) setting good boundaries, and 3) having patience yourself, your new partner, and your partner’s kids. Things can get still more complicated when you are a single parent and have your own children from a previous relationship or previous marriage that you may eventually have to bring into stepfamily life.

Being in a romantic relationship requires having a good sense of self, confidence, emotional independence, and self-respect.  These traits are even more important when it comes to dating someone who has children.  You must know who you are and what you want.  You must be at a point in life where you don’t “need” a partner but want the partner you have.  You must be capable of being objective while observing your partner’s interactions with his children and their other parent.

Regardless of the age of the children, if you have self-respect, treat them with respect, are appropriately assertive, and have good boundaries in place, you are doing what you can. Whether or not they accept you after that is up to them.  It may take quite a while for them to accept you depending on why their parents are not together and what the custody arrangement is (if they are underage).  And that is okay.  They may try to push you away at first.  You are the adult in this situation and patience will be integral to building a relationship with them. Your kids will always be a part of your partner’s life. Understand that they have been through things with their parent(s) that you may be completely unaware of.  

An important aspect of setting good boundaries in this situation would be understanding your place in the life of your partner’s child.  You are not their parent and therefore your place is not to act as a parent.  You will build your own special relationship with the children involved as a part of the family (eventually, maybe).  Another important aspect of keeping your boundaries is by remaining objective about your relationship with their father until you have had time to observe him with his children.  Really pay attention to how he interacts with them when they spend time together.  Only you can decide whether you can live with how he manages his children and their relationships together or whether this becomes a deal breaker.  After all, you may want your own kids someday. Also, observe how he treats you when his children are around.

Lastly, patience is going to be an integral part of this situation.  Do not take it personally if they do not accept you as Dad’s romantic partner right away. You’re a new person in his child’s life.  They may be skeptical.  That is okay and not unusual.  If you maintain your patience, work towards building your own relationship with them, and set and maintain boundaries you will have the best possible chance of having a good relationship with Dad and the children.

Dr. Chovan