How do you move on from someone you still love?

Hi Jc, 

Although grief is something that we typically associate with the experience of someone dying, in truth we grieve in many more situations in which we experience change of some sort. We often grieve when we come to the end of something even if the end marks an achievement such as graduation from school. We will experience grief when something near and dear such as a relationship ends often no matter what led to the decision to part ways. 

Grief is a very individualized and personalized process. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve. Each person grieves in their own way and at their own speed. Frameworks to talk about grief are not formulas, rather frameworks that help to put words to our experiences.

For example, there are typically 5 stages associated with grief. Those stages are anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages may occur in any order, not just the sequence that I have mentioned here. A person may experience only some of these stages and skip over other ones altogether. You may find that although you have already experienced one stage you find your thoughts and feelings returning to that stage. All of this is absolutely normal. 

As you start to sit with and feel the feelings that you are experiencing as a result of the breakup remember to be gentle with yourself. Self compassion is one of the biggest things that will help as you navigate through what things look like now that your boyfriend is no longer your boyfriend. Try not to judge the thoughts or feelings that come up for you, rather simply notice that they are there. 

Keep in mind that you can also continue on your journey without your boyfriend while still feeling love for him. Human emotions are not like a light switch that can simply be turned off and on at a moment's notice. In fact you can hold onto the love that you have for him and continue to figure out what life looks like for you as you move forward.

This part of your journey may be helpful to talk about using the "tasks of mourning" framework.  There are 4 tasks to this process. Just like the stages of grief, they can be completed in any order and revisited multiple times.

The first task of mourning is accepting the reality of the loss. This acceptance happens on both and intellectual and emotional level. Recognizing the significance of this loss is also part of this task

The second task is processing the pain of the grief. In this stage we name and start to make sense of the emotions that are being felt. Being able to name what we are experiencing helps us to express what we are feeling in a way that starts to make more sense out of what we are feeling. The important thing to remember when in this task is to let yourself feel the emotions rather than burying them.  It can be quite tempting at this point to push away the feelings in an attempt to feel better or to try to numb the feelings through alcohol or substances. When we avoid our feelings, in this or any other situation, it doesn't actually make them go away. It pushes them further down the road and the more we avoid them the more they grow and become harder to manage when they finally come to the surface.

This is also where self compassion plays a very big role. Simply giving yourself permission to feel whatever you are feeling can be a powerful way to sit with the feelings. Also, remember that no matter how hard things are in the moment, it will not last forever and it will get better. It's not a question of "if" rather a question of "when.

The third task of mourning is adjusting to the world without the person. This may involve logistical adjustments such as taking over tasks that the person may have been responsible for previously. Perhaps one of the changes that you feel after the breakup is not having someone to say good morning or good night to, for example. 

You may also find that you are experiencing a shift in your own worldview and sense of self identity. Perhaps you find yourself questioning who you are or what you have to offer as a single person rather than as someone's partner. Perhaps you have been experiencing thoughts about the future of love in general for you. Again, remember to be gentle with yourself as you navigate these thoughts and discover new things about yourself.

The fourth and final stage of the tasks of mourning is remembering the person while moving forward. This directly relates to what I said earlier, that you can continue to have love for your boyfriend in your heart that you carry with you. Figuring out how to do this while leaving room for connections with other people (any connection not just romantic) as well as remembering him but at the same time moving forward is something that you will figure out with time. 

Moving forward after the loss of someone that we love is a process as we have discussed. There is no "one size fits all" answer as to how you might be able to do this best in your situation. Sometimes talking to an impartial person who can provide a safe non-judgmental space, such as a therapist can help in sorting out our thoughts and feelings as well as give us a chance to acquire some new tools for our coping toolbox. 

You do not have to go through this alone.