How does someone deal with deep loneliness? My wife and I have separated and I'm having a hard time.

Hi T,

I am very sorry to read your question but thank you for asking it.

Loneliness is far more common than many people care to admit, and in a world of social media where everyone posts their best lives, full of friendships and happiness, admitting that you are struggling can be difficult.  

Loneliness is painful, particularly when it has been caused to you, by someone leaving and in that moment you not having anyone to fill the void.

The information in your question does not mention whether this has come out of the blue, or whether you were expecting it, either way it is very sad.

It would it be helpful to know more about your relationship, you do not mention children, so I assuming that you do not have any?

You also do not mention your home life, have you been left in the home, will you need to find a new home? 

Very often, when we are part of a couple, our lives can become entwined in another person's, sometimes more than we realize; we might share their interests, their friends, which, when everything is going well, is good, but if they leave our lives, so does everyone and everything else.

How long were you married for? Separation, particularly when the separation is not of your choosing, can leave you in shock.

I think talking to a therapist about your feelings would be helpful. It will allow you to process the grief that you are experiencing. Loneliness can affect your mental health and lead to anxiety and depression. The ending of any significant relationship can be felt like a loss, and this grief can turn into anger and resentment. Depending on the circumstances surrounding it, there are often lots of recriminations. 

As a therapist, I would like to work through the process of grief and examine how you are coping emotionally, talk about the feelings, rather than suppressing them, these feelings will only resurface later, if not dealt with in the first instance.

Alongside dealing with your loss, it is important to look to your future. The feelings you are experiencing at the moment will be intense and it might feel that they will never improve. But it is important to know that the feelings of sadness will pass, no emotional state lasts forever. However, unprocessed feelings, if not addressed, can be carried over into future relationships, and often spoil them.

What are your interests, what do you enjoy doing in your spare time? Where do live, is it somewhere busy such as a town, or are you located more rurally? 

Admitting that you are lonely is often the biggest step to take. When you feel ready, and sometimes we just need to 'go for it', I would suggest looking for social groups in your community, finding people that have similar interests to you. There are often charities that you may be interested in that are looking for volunteers. 

Seeking counseling, with people that won't judge you and where you are able to talk openly will also help.

I hope this provides you with some ideas and guidance. Please do not hesitate to contact me again if I can help.

Best wishes

Vanessa