How to communicate more effectively ?

I want to first thank you so much for asking this amazing question. Being in a relationship can definitely have tense moments. When you have moments of disagreement, it can be a completely normal part of being a couple. But the key to building a trusting relationship is working toward building a stronger, more intimate bond. Communication is important because it fosters trust and connection. In order to have an open, honest, and vulnerable relationship with your partner, you must be able to freely communicate in a healthy manner. Sometimes we can be passive aggressive as a way of expressing hidden anger instead of effectively addressing the conflict head-on. This behavior can look like: cracking jokes about your partner at their expense, punishing them by giving them the silent treatment, and making digs about their decision making. All of these behaviors allow you to express your frustration without actually having to talk about it. Sometimes we can even just brush things under the rug and pretend it is not an issue. Simply avoiding conflicts won't be sufficient. Ignoring issues just gives them the space and time to build up into something larger down the road. 

I would suggest processing your feelings first. Before talking with your wife about an issue that's upsetting for you, be sure to process your own feelings on the subject and calm yourself down first. If we go into a conversation feeling angry, upset, or too emotional, then the communication tends to become too heated and difficult to find a resolution. One helpful tool can be to take a quick walk or run around a park or in your neighborhood. You can also listen to relaxing music before talking to your partner. That way you'll be more in control of your emotions and be able to communicate better than previous interactions. Choosing the right time to talk is important when communicating with your partner. I always suggested to clients to ask the individual they are having a disagreement with if they would be allowed a specific amount of time to vent or asking questions before bombarding them. That individual may not be in the emotional space to receive the message (i.e., "Do you have 15 minutes for me to vent about something that has caused me concern?"). If you ask your partner for the time and she is not in a space to receive it, this will be a great opportunity to work on using some of the tools I mentioned to blow off steam. If she does have the time and is in an emotional state to discuss the concerns, you can stick to the time frame allotted. You can also track your tone of voice in the conversation and ask for constructive feedback if needed. 

I know you mentioned that she would ask for you to complete something at a specific time and you would sometimes delay or ignore the requests because you could do it at another time. This could cause your wife to feel at times dismissed if she doesn't understand the reasoning behind the delay in completing the activity. When we say the word "you" in describing a concern it could lead to an individual personalizing the meaning behind your supposed intention (whether it is a real or imagined perception). Many couples can enter conversations as through they are debates or arguments that they must win. While you may not agree with your partner's point of view, it's important to actually listen to why they felt the way they did in the moment and vice versa.

When having a discussion, I would suggest not making it a competition to see who wins. Instead, actively listen and try to understand their point of view. Active listening is a communication skill that involves going beyond simply hearing the words the other person speaks but also seeking to understand the meaning and intent behind them. Some examples of active listening skills are: being fully present in your conversation with your wife, showing interest by practicing good eye contact, noticing and using non-verbal cues (i.e., head nods and thumbs up), asking open-ended questions in a calm tone, paraphrasing and reflecting back what you heard (you can even utilize a term called parroting in which you repeat verbatim what was heard), listening to understand rather than to respond, and withholding judgment and advice. 

You mentioned how you can be defensive at times and she can be highly sensitive. Defensive behaviors have the purpose of distracting you from your feelings of being hurt and feeling shamed. While defensive behaviors might help you feel better in the short term, in the long term they generally result in worsening feelings. As you point out the flaws in the other person to avoid feeling attacked, you can end up making the other person defensive as well (even if it is in your wife's mind and never articulated to you). This can result in a vicious cycle of back and forth defensive behavior that neither of you saw coming (or probably even understood). There are different types of defensiveness including: silent treatment (not speaking to someone in order to get back at them), bringing up the past (reminding the other person of when they made a mistake), gaslighting (making the other person question their sanity or memory by denying doing things or lying about doing things), and blaming (shifting the blame to the other person for whatever you are being criticized for).

One of the first steps to decreasing your defensive behavior is to actually become aware of when it is happening. It's easy to avoid confronting your behavior or acknowledging that you are behaving in a defensive manner. Instead, try to pay attention in the moment to how you are feeling and how you react to others. You can also journal your feelings on paper at the end of the day or beginning of each morning. I suggest writing down the date and time when you are writing the journal entries to keep up with your progression, but also to have a cleaner picture of what times of day you experience your feelings. I also want you to think about validating your feelings. Once you have started to notice when you become defensive, it's important to start validating your feelings when you are criticized. You can acknowledge that you felt hurt, worried, fearful, and insecure. As you validate your feelings of being hurt, show compassion toward yourself and how you are feeling. This can include just acknowledging that you don't need to act upon the impulse to react defensively. Lastly, I want you to work on aligning yourself with your moral compass and value system. Is acting defensive lining up with how you want to be as a person? If not, it's time to decide how you want to be perceived and how you will behave in your current relationship. You can behave assertively and still ask for respect. I want you read that last sentence aloud in the mirror to remind yourself that you can be assertive and still ask for respect. But respect starts with the man in the mirror first. I want you to have a happy and healthy relationship with yourself and your wife.

You stated that words and actions stick with her and they are important to the dynamic of your current relationship. The more you both can stay on topic and discuss viable solutions in respectful, honest, assertive, loving tones, you could both be able to understand your differences from a different purview. Defensiveness is a learned behavior, meaning that it can also be unlearned.

If despite your best efforts you are still having difficulty or trouble stopping your behaviors, this might mean that you would benefit from professional help. Don't hesitate to speak to a therapist, counselor, or other mental health professional. This could mean the difference for you in terms of improving your communication skills and managing your defensive reactions.

I hope I was able to give you some insight into making changes for yourself that will hopefully be helpful in your current marriage as well. I wish you all the best in your journey to self-discovery. Take care.