How to get over a break up.

Hi, and thanks for your question.

A breakup with a first love is challenging, for sure...and perhaps even more so when the circumstances are such that one has expressed a previously unexpressed aspect of themselves with that individual for the very first time.

First things first: regarding their desire to continue a relationship as friends -- you should only do what *you* are completely comfortable with. No pressure, no shame, no guilt. The most important and enduring relationship you'll ever have is with yourself, and if for whatever reason, you continue on a path (any path in life, really) that you are not comfortable with, there will be difficulties involved. This is not to say that we must be 100% comfortable with every path we take in life (after all, "life begins at the edge of your comfort zone," or so the saying goes), but the potential benefits in doing so must, in our own mind, outweigh the risks.

Regarding a potential friendship with a first love (particularly when it seems as though you may not have wanted the relationship to end in the first place), ask yourself: What's the potential for me to be hurt if a friendship is attempted? What's the potential benefit to me and my growth if a friendship is attempted? Do I feel pressured or guilted into continuing a friendship? Is it possible the other person is actually hoping that we simply remain cordial/non-adversarial as opposed to an actual "hey, let's hang out and do stuff" kind of friendship? What do *I* really want? Am I going to always be hoping the friendship turns into more, or can I actually be content with "just friends? What's the potential for this "friendship" with an ex to interfere with meeting someone new? Don't judge yourself for whatever answers you come up with for those questions; simply consider the information your answers provide, and make your fully-informed, eyes-wide-open decision from that place.

In the meantime, whatever you decide, you're still going to need to heal from the breakup with a first love...and one of the best ways to move through that painful place into a place of growth and renewal is to focus on You. Take a good look at your values and priorities -- are they truly yours and yours alone, free from the influence and/or criticism from others? Are you living your values and priorities to the fullest extent possible? What might you be able to start doing *today* that can get you just a little closer? What hopes and dreams do you have? What can you do to get yourself a little closer to making those your reality? How's your physical and mental health? Are there any things -- even small changes -- that you can do to improve your internal experience of life and all that it has to offer? Are there hobbies and interests you can throw yourself into? In short, whatever you can start doing that helps you to become more of You will help you immensely in getting through the sometimes challenging feelings that come along with a breakup while also preparing you for whatever is in the next chapter of your life.

To that end, it's often very helpful to develop and stick to daily schedules and routines, and to ensure you've also scheduled in some mindless "down time" (if that's what you need to restore and refresh yourself after following a strict-ish schedule). Many people going through breakups find this helps because it keeps them focused on their priorities, keeps them goal-oriented, and keeps them occupied and leaves little room for their minds to wander to "how things were before" or the ever-popular "what-ifs" or "woulda-coulda-shouldas" that idle minds tend to think about after a relationship comes to an end.

Also remember that, particularly while your feelings are very intense and/or raw, you might be prone to irrational thoughts of various kinds. When/if you're having such thoughts, ask yourself what the evidence is for the thought. If you can't find any, push it out of your mind, change your environment and/or activity -- do *something* to shift your mindset and stop the irrational thoughts from propagating. This is (as mentioned before) one of those situations in which having a handy routine/schedule and a focus on your values and priorities can help redirect your attention toward something that's helpful to you instead of something that could be holding you back. 

And finally, surround yourself with supportive friends and loved ones who can cheer you up if you get a case of the blues, and/or who you can spend time with when/if you're feeling lonely and/or just to hang out and be around supportive people who love you for who you are.

Best wishes!