How do I deal with the confusion? And heartache?

Confusion and heartache are two emotions that can sometimes create a synergistic effect, where they begin to amplify one another, creating even more confusion, and even more heartache. One of the few things in life that is true, is that we can't control anyone else's behavior. We can only work on controlling our own behavior, and our own reactions and responses to other's behavior.

Right now, it seems like you're living in two worlds: together, yet separated. While you can't control the signals that he sends to you, you can work toward controlling your reactions and responses to those signals. This is, of course, much easier said than done.

This may mean setting healthy (or healthier) boundaries, utilizing assertive communication skills to express to your children's father how his behavior is impacting you and making you feel, or utilizing other coping mechanisms and tools (such as daily mantras, or visual reminders) that can help you continue to put yourself in the right mindset.

Let's take a closer look:

Healthy (or Healthier Boundaries)

Setting healthy boundaries can be hard (even for those that we haven't been intimate with!). However, it can be helpful to remember that healthy boundaries (and assertive communication, described below) go hand in hand with ensuring that our needs and wants are respected. I would encourage you to sit down, and take some time to write out what you would like to see as far as communication boundaries go: no more mixed messages? What would that look like? How would the two of you choose (or choose not) to communicate? What would need to happen on his end? What about on your end? Once you have decided where your boundaries are (and we usually figure them out because we feel hurt when our boundaries are violated) then it is a good time (so long as it is safe to do so) to have an assertive conversation with your kids' father.

Assertive Communication Skills

There's a basic formula when it comes to utilizing assertive communication skills:

When you do X

I feel Y

Please do Z

It can also be conceptualized as:

1. I see/I perceive

2. This makes me feel

3. This is what I would like to have happen or be different.

So for instance, you might work out an assertive sentence that sounds like:

"When you send me mixed signals I feel hurt and confused. Please stop flirting, it is making this more difficult than it already is."

Of course, I don't know what mixed signals are being sent (and I don't want to assume too much). Another version of this might be:

"When you send me mixed signals I feel hurt and confused. Please let's work to keep our communication friendly and professional, since we're separated."

When using assertive communication skills, it is important that you keep in mind that you can't control for the other persons response or reaction. The goal in utilizing these skills is to express our needs and wants, and to then - hopefully - find a common ground. If the other person still won't listen, at least we have a) shared how we feel, in a manner that is appropriate and b) have created a situation where there can be no surprises when boundaries are enforced.

It is also important that you practice what you might want to say first, so it sounds like you, and so you can ensure that you're keeping an even tone of voice, and being respectful of yourself and others (which can be hard to do when our emotions are charged). 

Visual Reminders

Visual reminders can be wildly helpful in remembering new behaviors. These can be post it notes with affirmations (such as: "I don't accept mixed signals" or "my radio doesn't pick up his frequency") or they can be background reminders saved as a wallpaper on your phone that encourage you to act a certain way (e.g. "I am capable of loving and being loved, and I am capable of setting boundaries") or just a picture that may remind you of these qualities.

Whether you choose to use some (or all of these) coping skills, I wish you luck on this journey. It is not easy to share a roof with someone with whom we've separated (whether emotionally, physically, or both). Your BetterHelp counselor can also help you work on these skills, and brainstorm paths forward.