Ask a therapist > Relationships > I want a divorce but I don't know how to initiate it. What should I do?

I want a divorce but I don't know how to initiate it. What should I do?

I have been with him for almost four years and married for almost one year now. I am 25 and he is 35. I have lost all feelings for him and I'm not sure how to tell him. In a perfect world I'd just leave a note and leave but moving will take awhile. The holidays are coming and I don't want to spend time with his family or feel more guilty about him buying me things. I have told him that I don't feel anything anymore and he hasn't improved his actions. I think he is feeling the pressure because he keeps buying me things. My mom is willing to let me live with her and she wants me to just tell him or leave a note but it's not that easy. I don't have a job so I am doing odd jobs to save money for the move and general bills. I feel that I can't be myself and improve if I stay in this relationship. My cousin is a lawyer and is willing to help me with the actual divorce. What do you suggest I do? I hate that part of me is trying to ignore wanting to leave because I won't be able to see the dog ever again. Every time I try to gain the courage to tell him I just can't get the words out. He is acting like everything is okay and emphasizing that I'm his wife and complimenting me which makes me uncomfortable. I'll take all the advice I can get. Thank you.
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Asked by Penny
Relationships
Marriage
Answered
11/17/2022

I am so very sorry about your pain and distress pertaining to considering separation and divorce from your husband. It is indeed a weighty decision that results in challenges within associated emotions/ actions. I am glad to know that you have familial support via your mother and cousin. 

It sounds like you are experiencing distress while weighing the potential changes to your relationship status such as the change in your housing;  your spouse's emotional health status; the potential change in your access to your shared family pet; and the potential change to your financial status.  All of your concerns are valid. However, if you decide to proceed with the separation/ divorce, it will be very important for you to be mindful of not assuming total responsibility for your spouse's emotional health status. You can not save him or yourself from the pain that is associated with the process. However, you can utilize current familial supports/ consider adding to your supports (individual therapy), and proceed towards maintaining a focus towards acknowledging, processing, and managing your own grief process.

If you move forward with the separation/ divorce, it sounds as if you may have to compromise on your own timeline/ expectations. You may want to accept your mother's offer to live with her much sooner than you would like to. It does not sound like your spouse is willing to and/ or able to accept your decision to separate/ divorce, and that he continues to push emotional and physical boundaries. Plying you with gifts while failing to change any behaviors is a form of manipulation and an attempt to avoid the core issues. That is a form of power and control. It does not sound as if he will cease efforts to engage in intimacy with you. He likely feels hopeful that continuing to compliment you may distract you from your desire to see substantial change within the relationship. 

I empathize with you, and I encourage you to give yourself a great deal of grace at this difficult time in your journey. I hope that you will experience increasing peace and clarity as you navigate this time in your life.

Kind regards,

Erica

(JD, LMSW, CCTP)