I'm awful with my feelings in my relationship. I can't seem to be empathetic, any suggestions?

Dear Berlin:

Many thanks for your question. I'll try to help you with some tips and prompts, that may give you a better understanding on "How to be empathetic" with someone, in this case with your partner.

Understanding your partner's feelings: it seems you have some understanding of this ("she is upset", " hurting her"); are there any other feelings that you can identify?

Trying to imagine or visualize hurting your partner's feelings around situations, events; this requires some guidance on how to do it, perhaps yourself improving your own ability to visualize, and then apply that to your partner.

Trying to wonder and imagine your partner's thoughts: here, you can use another technique of imagining your partner responding to you and to your attempts to communicate and your type of communication.

To practice mirroring and internalizing your partner's feelings as yours; this requires practicing the identification of your own feelings and making your partner’s feelings as yours.

Understanding and acknowledging your partner’s feelings: trying to identify the origin and factors that contribute to your partner’s feelings, recognizing and accepting them as your own feelings, and identifying with similar factors that happened to you.

To have a different view and perspective from your partner's point of view, think the same way as your partner's thinking, and be open to have your partner's own input.

Practice the role reverse, how would you feel if your partner communicates and treats you in the same way? How is it for you?

Be focused on what your partner says and feels and confirm your own understanding, being sure what she said is what you understood.

Finding your own way to measure and have feedback from your partner regarding your efforts to be more empathetic, reviewing your expectations around what outcomes you are looking for, having your partner to help and guide you on the way to be communicated, related and supported.

And some more tips and prompts can be added to this requirement, as daily practice, improving communication, intimacy, and other behavioral recommendations.

The exploration and discussion of the implementation of these suggestions, as well as your own input on how to improve, learning from mistakes and moving on, being hopeful and determined to overcome your difficulties, can be explored in individual therapy sessions. What is important is your motivation and asking for help around a process that is possible to improve.

Many thanks.

José