Ask a therapist > Relationships > Should I let go or try working it out?

Should I let go or try working it out?

I’ve been in a 6+ Yr relationship & my partner looks like she has lost feelings even after stating otherwise. We met at a very young age, 15, and have been together since. She has strict parents and doesn’t want to disappoint then so she goes behind their back to hangout with me. She never mentioned it being a problem until recently. She went on vacation for two months and, during those two months, she only texted me maybe 5 times. I would express that I miss her and want to talk more or hear how everything’s going and she would apologize but not take the time to reach out to me. But I would hear from her friends that she was contacting them. So I expressed my feelings to her when she returned and she apologized, saying it wouldn’t happen again. But ever since she came back she’s been pushing me away and she admitted that she doesn’t want to go behind her parents back anymore. I offered doing it the right way, which, in her parents eyes, by getting married, but she stated she no longer felt ready. I’m okay with waiting, but she no longer wants to go behind her parents back, meaning we won’t be able to hang out overnight or for long periods of time. Only at her house on the sofa, 2ft apart. I know that it would make me feel trapped and jealous because she can go out with her friends, but I won’t be able to attend. We both still live with our parents and I have offered to move in together, but she said we have to get married first. Before she left to Mexico she knew exactly what she wanted and we worked toward those goals but ever since she came back it’s been different.
Show more
Asked by Cris
Relationships
Dating
Answered
07/26/2022

Hi Cris!  I'm glad you took the time to reach out for support. The dilemma you're facing seems difficult and likely confusing. When facing relationship transitions or decisions, I encourage clients to really listen and tune into a few things. First, instincts are very significant to validate and honor. Additionally, look at the general theme or larger messages that your partner is sending you over the smaller messages or gestures. From what you are describing, it seems the larger message your partner is sending you is that she is not interested in nurturing the needs of your relationship right now, such as private time together and prioritizing your relationship. The smaller gestures of still offering some supervised time together may be more of a gesture of not hurting you, but it does not seem to be suggestive of prioritizing a relationship or larger commitment at this time. I suggest expressing your observations to your partner to review what she is wanting at this time, while also honoring your needs. You may want to consider a trial run of spending time together the way your partner has suggested to see if it feels practical. This may then allow you the ability to bring up concerns with her if it doesn't feel practical or manageable. I know that my response doesn't give you clear direction, but hopefully you will find that as you clarify your needs and request clear and direct communication from your partner.  I also like to encourage that whenever making any major life decisions that you are taking time to engage in activities that you enjoy and that also allow you time to recharge and reflect. Boosting your coping skills right now and also identifying and nurturing your additional support system will be helpful to you as you navigate through this time. Seeking support from family and friends that you trust can be very beneficial and is different than seeking advice from them. Having a good network of others to spend time with will be helpful to you. Please reach out for additional support as needed. Take Care! 

(LCSW)