Should I separate from my partner?

Dear Newton,

I have read your question, and I understand the dilemma that you are experiencing between staying with your partner for the sake of your daughter or ending this relationship.

The fact that you are struggling with this decision tells me that for you, family unity is important, however it doesn't sound as your partner has been a good support for you and your daughter. I think that he will need to get help for himself before he can be a parent and a partner for his family, and that is his responsibility. It sounds as you are feeling guilty if you separate from him and really it is not your fault that he is drinking and behaving in this way.

As a counsellor, I will not be here to tell you that you have to leave him or not, that will be your decision, however we could explore the thoughts and feelings that are stopping you to make the decision that you think it is best for you and your daughter.  You mentioned that if you separate from him you will feel bad for your daughter, I am wondering what are your feelings towards him as a couple? How YOU would feel? As you just mentioned the father and daughter relationship.

I am also wondering how was your originally family? As sometimes we try to protect our children from our own childhood traumatic experiences.

The fact that, as you mentioned, he gets very paranoid, he never listens to a word that you say, and he is just concerned about his own needs, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and I personally would be concerned. Sometimes we idealize the family unit, and certainly it is the best for children to receive the love and support from both parents, however from what you are saying, it does not sound that this is the case in your daughter's life and this kind on behavior could leave more scars and trauma in your daughter than a separation. 

I do not know the relationship that you have with your partner, how many years you have been together, if he is open to receive help, or your family support network, but from your message it sounds you know what is the best for you and your daughter - however I sense that these feelings of fear and guilt are blocking you to move forward.

These are just some of the topics that we could explore in order to support you in this process.

I hope this answer might help you in some way. Thanks for sharing.

Vanessa Gillespie