What does something my ex said mean?

Hi Tristin, thank you so much for reaching out with your question. It is clear that you love your ex very much and are hoping that you will be able to work things out. However, she is definitely sending mixed messages that have a way of allowing you to hold out hope for the relationship and make it difficult to heal and move on. The end of a relationship is a form of grief. You have put a lot of yourself into it and there is a desire to keep it. Although it is not clear from your brief question, I do gather from the information that you shared that your ex has challenges with clear communication and that this has stood in the way of being able to be honest and authentic with one another. It is impossible to tell from her attempts at communication what her true feelings and wishes are. And therein lies much of the problem. While I am not able to tell you with any certainty what your ex is trying to communicate to you, I do think this is a useful time to share with you some of the key features of healthy communication in a relationship. You can use those to gauge the health of your relationship with your ex, and determine if you would like to proceed in your attempts to reconcile, or let the relationship go and take the valuable lessons and self-knowledge you have garnered with you into future relationships. 

Effective communication is much more challenging than it appears. And often, unfortunately, we do not get adequate preparation or have the best role models to help us develop relationship communication skills. Healthy communication is clear and honest. And although it can be frightening, genuine communication requires a degree of emotional vulnerability. You cannot get to the core of an issue or fully resolve a conflict unless both parties allow themselves to be transparent. 

In addition, communication in a healthy relationship is nonjudgmental. This means that both you and your partner are willing to listen fully to what the other has to say, putting aside your biases and what you "think" they should feel and being willing to meet them where they are at. Bumps in the road or conflicts cannot be resolved without listening calmly to the other's perspective and trying to understand it, even if it differs greatly from your own. 

Another aspect of healthy communication in a relationship is that both partners strive to be deliberate about their communication and avoid responding in ways that are knee-jerk, or impulsive. It can be very valuable to take the time to ensure that the message you are sending is indeed the one that you want to send, and that you will not wake up the next morning regretting what you said. 

Healthy communication is not about "winning". Any communication that begins with the premise that someone is right and the other is wrong is competition, not loving communication. The goal is to better understand one another, not "one up" and shame the other. It also can be difficult, especially when you have been with your partner for an extended period of time, to start acting on assumptions. However, regardless of how long you have known one another, it remains important to clarify and avoid thinking you knew what your partner must have meant without confirming. 

Finally, even in our age of multiple forms of electronic and online media that can be used for communication, it is still important to maintain face-to-face communication, especially for topics that are sensitive or include the need for an extensive conversation. While electronic communication can be handy at times, there are still so many aspects of communication that are enhanced by being in one another's presence. It is very difficult to always read accurately body language and intended emotion when not in person, even with the useful aide of emojis. I get the sense that this has been a factor that has contributed to the confusing communication with your ex and recommend, if she is willing, that the two of you arrange a sit down, in person conversation to decide that status and future of your relationship. If she is unwilling to do that, that decision alone will communicate that the relationship is no longer a priority. 

I hope these tips are helpful, Tristin, as you seek out clarity and resolution regarding your current relationship. They will be useful in every relationship you have. All the best to you.