Ask a therapist > Relationships > What to do?

What to do?

I am struggling in my relationship. I am currently engaged to be married later this summer. The relationship has never been an easy one for me. My fiancé and I care for each other deeply, but my partner has always had a vast range of emotional difficulties. She struggles from anxiety, and can be extremely cold and difficult to be around when triggered. She has a lot of past trauma that caused these mental health issues. I found it extremely difficult to commit to her knowing that I was going to be subject to what is basically an emotional rollercoaster for the rest of life. We've been together nearly 4 years, but I've always been half in and half out. I truly do care for her, and I'm grateful that she loves me as much as she does. Early in our relationship we split and I slept with another girl. We got back together shortly after and I never told her about this and have been holding it inside. I feel shame and guilt about this. I proposed because she gave me an ultimatum. I didn't want to lose her, but ever since proposing I've felt extremely conflicted. She wants to send out our invites in the next couple of days and the thought of getting married has me feeling so conflicted. I can't really sleep at night, and I constantly am thinking of what to do. I really could use some advice on what to do and how to handle the situation.

Asked by J

Relationships

Marriage

Love

Monogamy

Answered

05/12/2022

Thank you for your question.

Feeling nervous about your wedding is so common that there are multiple nicknames for it: cold feet, pre-wedding jitters, or second thoughts. It is normal for people to get nervous before their weddings because marriage is a major life transition. But sometimes your nerves can indicate you're not ready to get married or you're with the wrong person, and it's hard to tell the difference between real concerns and change-driven anxiety.

Fear of marriage can be caused by having divorced parents, witnessing an unhappy marriage, pre-existing mental illnesses like anxiety or OCD, undiagnosed mental illnesses, or a traumatic emotional event that occurred within the context of marriage or commitment.

One big question that I feel like is really helpful to ask is, 'Did I feel this way at any point in the relationship before, or is it specific to this moment? Have there been moments throughout the relationship where you felt concerned about these things?’

If you've had repeated worries about something about your partner, your concern might be more than just pre-wedding anxiety. Ask yourself if the thing you are worried about is something that would really impact your relationship or your sense of self. If you believe the things, you're concerned about could truly lead to a breakdown of your relationship or damage your sense of identity, you might want to pay more attention to them.

The best thing couples can do if they're nervous before their weddings is to talk about it together.

In regard to the shame and guilt for sleeping with someone else early on in your relationship: disclosing your indiscretion might not make your partner feel better. If you want to tell your partner about a one-time act of infidelity to make them feel better, that gesture could be misplaced. If you decide to tell her, make sure you are doing it for the right reasons: Sometimes, people who have cheated confess to their partners only so that they can feel better and ease their guilt. If you find that telling your partner about what you've done will only cause them more harm than good, then this might not be the best way to go.

I hope this helps.

Best,

Ashley

Ashley Kingston

LCPC