Why am I so uncomfortable arguing with people-especially my spouse and my younger sister?

Hi there,

Thank you for your question. I hope I can provide you with some things to reflect on and try out. Here are my thoughts:

-We give into the people around us for different reasons-sometimes it is fear or not feeling like you have power, sometimes it is frustration, sometimes it is not wanting or having the energy to have a fight, etc. I think it can be helpful to think about which of those or maybe other reasons are at the root of why you acquiesce. Once you figure out the reason(s) why you may be holding back, I think it becomes easier to challenge yourself when you find it happening. For example, if your partner starts to bring up an uncomfortable topic and you are very frustrated and decide to retreat to avoid a fight, challenge yourself to stay and say something. Or if your sister says something that you are tired of talking about, instead of allowing yourself to think "I don't have the energy to discuss this again" and be done with it, challenge yourself to be communicative and honest about this with her. 

-An important thing to remind yourself of is that you carry just as much power and control in an argument as your partner and sister.  Sometimes when power dynamics have been reinforced by a long time of you giving in to them, it may seem like you can never regain power to be assertive with what you want to say. Remind yourself that it is never too late to start saying what you need to and want to. If you are having difficulty finding the words to do this or how to start saying things in a more assertive way, here are some things to try. 

-Utilize "I statements"  to take ownership of your feelings instead of blaming others for their behavior. This sounds like "I feel exhausted when we continue to argue about this" instead of "You make me feel exhausted when you continuously bring this up."

-Assertiveness requires a balance of saying what you want or need while also hearing what the other person wants or needs. Try to practice active listening and engagement instead of deciding that you are going to give in or just tune out because you don't want to fight. 

-Try to ensure that you are managing your emotions. When challenging yourself to say more and push back against your partner and sister, remind yourself that this does not necessarily mean you have to become out of control, angry or frustrated. You can stay level-headed and still be ready to say what you need to.

-Lastly, you are worth fighting for! Remind yourself that you need someone to be on your side every once in a while, even if that is yourself. Don't give up because you feel like your opinions or voice do not matter. They do!

I hope you found this answer helpful, but if not or if you are looking to explore this further, I always recommend seeking out help from a mental health professional who can better understand your situation and individualize a plan to alleviate this stress. I wish you all the best and hope you feel some improvement soon. Take care!

Cory Bedtke, LCSW