What can I do to feel better?

Hello RT. It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life right now. I am glad that you reached out for some support through asking this question. I think the number one thing that you can focus on right now amidst all of the things going on is making sure you're taking care of your physical body. Right now as you read this, take a deep breath in through your nose and then slowly out through your mouth. Do this one more time. What did you notice? How did that feel? So often we can get caught up in all of the busyness of life and we forget to breathe. When things get really stressful, in order to deal with the stress one of the things our body does is make our breathing more shallow. But this is really maladaptive in the long term.

Maybe one of the practices that you can adopt right now is having a set schedule of taking deep breaths throughout your day. Let me give you an example. In the morning and at noon and at night, take a couple of seconds to take two to three slow deep breaths in through your nose and then out through your mouth. See what you notice, see how that feels. What do you notice about your breathing? When our physical bodies are under stress, this can negatively affect our mental health. Our mind and our body are intimately linked. So often we forget to take care of our physical bodies amidst the stress, but it is our physical bodies that are handling the stress, even when we feel like it is just in our mind.

Congratulations on a new baby. This is really exciting news. I know that the first few months of having a newborn are very stressful and you'll be very tired. But is a new baby not something to look forward to? You're growing your family, does that excite you? Sometimes when we are chronically stressed or overly tired, it can be impossible, or rather it can feel impossible, to enjoy anything. So one thing that I would encourage you to do is to start a gratitude journal. At the end of every day reflect on your day and make a list of five things that you are grateful for that day. Even if it seems like a little thing, like you got enough food to eat, or you got the laundry done, or you left with your kids. Sometimes we can take for granted the little things that are going well, because it seems like there are so many big things that are overwhelming and stressful. And a gratitude journal can help with that.

Financial stressors are certainly hard to deal with, especially when we think about having to take care of little children. They cost a lot of money. But perhaps shifting your focus to taking care of one day at a time. I am guessing that you have plenty to do each day and plenty to worry about each day, without having to worry too far into the future. There will definitely be time to worry in the future no doubt, but do you need to worry about it now? Of course the old adage comes to mind with this, things like don't worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself. Or don't borrow trouble. What these expressions are really getting at is what I just said. There will be time to worry in the future, but you don't have to sacrifice your present right now in order to worry about something that will happen in the future, when you're worried now will not really benefit you in any way, because when the time comes you will worry about it then.

I want to validate how discouraging it can feel when we feel like we are never making anyone happy. Meeting others' expectations can be draining. Where does this come from? How did you develop an external focus on others? Do you yourself value what you do? Are the things you do not good enough for you? We can really get caught up in the opinions and judgments of others, and this is understandable because we live in communities with people, and people are never short of opinions. But at the end of each day, you can only do the best for yourself. Are you happy with how you are doing? Are you giving yourself credit for all of the things that you were doing or that you are trying to do? If we are too externally focused, then we will never be happy with ourselves. You can only ever be you, you can't be anyone else and no one can be you for you. So loving yourself is important and when you've made a mistake or you feel like you could have done better, recognize that and grow and learn in the future. There's no point in beating ourselves up in the past for mistakes we have made, or regrets that we have for letting someone down. It is important to have compassion for yourself, and that can be very difficult for many people. But just because it is difficult doesn't mean we should not try at it.

Lastly, I would encourage yourself not to forget about hobbies. You may not have a lot of time for hobbies right now, and certainly will have less time when the new one has arrived. But even just taking a few moments to do something that you really like whether it's watching the birds, reading a good book, going for a walk, writing a letter to an old friend, or painting a picture. If we forget about our hobbies, then sometimes we don't have anything to look forward to, because we can get caught up in the routine and humdrum of everyday life. It is all too easy to use the excuse that we don't have time for our hobbies. But if we're really honest with ourselves, we have more time than we want to admit. How much time are you spending zoning out on your phone? Are there times in the day when you can think to spend a few moments for yourself? Even taking some deep breaths, is something to do that you can take care of yourself. So maybe critically evaluating your days, and seeing what adjustments you can make. Good luck!