How can anger destroy relationships?

Why anger is important

Anger is an emotion that usually shows up to let us know that a boundary has been crossed.  We feel anger when other people do things that violate boundaries we have (perhaps a boundary about being on time, splitting the cost of bills, or keeping the house tidy).  Anger can also come up when our internal boundaries have been violated, even by ourselves.  Perhaps you shared something private with someone before checking in with yourself to see if you felt safe enough to share.  Perhaps you gossiped about someone and are feeling shame.

When anger can be destructive

Anger can be destructive in several ways.  Any emotion, when discharged AT someone, can be destructive.  Anger is often portrayed in the media as being discharged as violence, which in and of itself is destructive.  In relationships, words can be violent; even stonewalling someone can be a form of emotional violence.  When we ignore our own internal boundaries and allow our anger to fester, it can turn into self-hatred or self-harm.  In relationships, unresolved anger (usually a result of sweeping things under the rug rather than using the anger to fuel a healthy conversation) can lead to resentment and a lot of emotional pain. 

How anger can be constructive

Anger can be the first sign that more communication needs to happen.  If we assume good intent in our relationship, anger can often lead to healthy conversations where each party can state their own boundary and expectation in the relationship and come to a mutual understanding about how to proceed in the future.  Feeling angry at yourself can let you know that you might like to show up differently in the future.  If you can allow yourself to acknowledge your anger, tolerate feeling it long enough to listen to what it wants you to know, and then proceed in a way more in line with your true self, anger can be a powerful emotion that can actually lead to relationship health.  It is important to remember that just like any other emotion, anger can be felt on a scale from 0-10, with 0 being neutral/no anger and 10 being the angriest you could ever get. It is possible to have a relational conversation with someone who is a 1 or 2 on that scale, even someone at a 5.  However, if you or your partner feel any emotion above a 6 or 7, it is important first to use some tools you can learn in therapy to support yourself, get grounded, and reconnect.