What’s some tips on controlling your anger in a relationship

Hello Money, 

I am sorry to hear that you feel angry and can contain your anger past a certain point. Relationships will do that to some people. My first advice is to diffuse your anger rapidly rather than let it build up.

Do you have an oversized fit of anger? Here are some tips to bring it back down:

• Isolate yourself;
• Squeeze a pillow, an anti-stress ball, or a soft toy...;
• Breathe slowly and deeply for several minutes to relax and slow your heart rate ;
• Listen to soothing and relaxing music;
• If you have a dog, go a walk with him;
• Move: walk, run, jump, do push-ups...;
• Verbalize your anger, trying not to hurt anyone.
  

If you waited too long and you are about to explode: To prevent or cut short the escalation of verbal abuse, leave the room. No matter the situation, whether you are in a private or public space, it's better to look weird by going away for a few minutes than to completely lose control of your nerves. Once you have successfully isolated yourself, call a friend and empty your bag, or count slowly until your breathing returns to a normal rhythm. The pressure decreases with the passing minutes, and then you can come back to attack. The situation may not have changed, but you will be able to control your emotions much better than if you had stayed in the same room.

To avoid finding yourself in this kind of situation again, take a few minutes to think about what is making you angry. What are your triggers? Are you overwhelmed and can't process the information? Do you have an ongoing conflict? Are the time constraints stressing you out? Figuring out where the exact problem is can help you anticipate the anger and possibly find a solution. Reformulate your thinking instead of thinking about what you could have done differently instead of what your girlfriend could have done differently because you can't control how she acts or reacts. Remember the positive sides that brought you together and try to avoid dwelling on the negative. Things don't always go the way you want them to, but you can deal with them by focusing on the positive. 

On the contrary, endlessly repressed anger is not an ideal to be sought either. By not acknowledging anger, you do not allow yourself to process it. If you don't, the suppressed anger becomes suffocating and toxic: it paralyzes your capacity for expression and removes your ability to defend yourself and your territory. It can lead you to develop an anxious behavior, feeling devalued through the feelings of helplessness and self-destruction (addiction, food compulsions). Finally, suppressed anger constantly threatens to erupt in disproportionate and dangerous ways.

Getting angry can make you feel bad, cause you to react without thinking, forget about risks, and cause you to engage in self-destructive behaviors. This is why anger is often so severely perceived and hidden by those who feel it. But like all emotions, the offense has its purposes, which can be put to good use. You may have heard the words turning anger into positive energy before. This doesn't mean you have to stifle your emotion but rather draw motivation. Anger can move you toward your goals and help you deal with problems and obstacles, and it also provides the strength necessary to defend yourself. Anger indicates the presence of a situation that you should deal with. Its most common trigger is frustration. It's a natural reaction when you feel wronged by another person, and it's your way of communicating that feeling of injustice. There always comes a time when your partner makes you angry as a couple and hiding this feeling prevents you from realizing that her behavior bothers you. While expressing this anger, when it is not used to vent, can help find a solution and strengthen the relationship.

Often those who act out of anger regret what they said or did. Although this emotion often precedes physical violence, it can also be a means of reducing it. Anger isn't easy to redirect, but giving yourself a break relieves the pressure. If you're angry or someone is mad at you, don't ignore that anger. Take a walk for a few minutes, identify and examine the problem, and think of a solution that you can calmly explain.

Staying healthy and moving your body regularly helps you stay active and develop your physical and mental abilities.  

Finally, I would like to encourage you to seek couple's counseling so that you might improve your communication. Every couple will experience issues, and having a trained psychotherapist as a third party to assist you in addressing these conflicts will undoubtedly help you.  Also, I am very fond of the work of Deborah Tannen. She has written several books on communication. I recommend that you read "You just don't understand: Men and women in conversation."

I wish you a great day.