Why do I lose my temper so easily

I find that when I get overwhelmed that I can snap easily at those around me and I dislike that I don’t understand why I get like this . I’m scared I’m gunna lose my wife and my kids if I don’t figure this out
Asked by That guy
Answered
08/06/2021

Hello That Guy,

Thank you for your question. I want to let you know that it is normal to experience anger. Like many emotions, anger by itself is neither bad nor good. The consequences of anger depend on how a person reacts to the emotion. 

 
At times, anger is the appropriate response to the actions of others. When managed correctly, and kept in check, anger can be a healthy emotion and experience. However, I understand that you are reaching out because you are feeling that you are not responding well out of anger and you may be experiencing consequences that have led you to ask your question. It is our responses and actions that alienate people and lead individuals to do things they later regret, not the emotion itself.
 
To address your question of why I want to let you know that the causes of anger can vary. It may be triggered by external factors such as bullying, humiliation, and loss. Internal factors, such as frustration or failure, can also lead to anger. Anger is not always a reaction to your present circumstances. Sometimes a situation can remind a person of a past experience and you may be shifting your anger about the past onto the present situation. Anger typically has less to do with an event and more with how a person reacts to the event. Certain negative thought patterns often precede an outburst of anger. These patterns include:
 
-Blaming: Not taking responsibility for your own actions and placing the fault on others.
-Overgeneralizing: This often happens when a person gets caught up in black and white thinking; the words “always” and “never” or other absolutes are often indicators that we are overgeneralizing.
-Rigidity: Not having a tolerance for frustration. Being inflexible with plans or an unwillingness to compromise.
-Mind-reading: Reading into a person’s intent. Believing someone’s intent was meant to intentionally hurt or be a jab.
-Collecting straws: Letting anger build up until you are at your “last straw.” Not addressing things in the moment which leads to a blow up.
 
I encourage you to challenge these thought patterns, it is possible to reduce your anger and to work on how you respond when you are angry. Here are some strategies to help you relieve tension and to keep from impulsively responding out of anger: -Think before you speak.
-Taking a time out and once you are calm, express your anger. -Get some exercise.
-Identify possible solutions before approaching the other person. -Stick with 'I' statements/do not attack the other persons character. Stick to specific behaviors that the person is doing that impact you.
-Do not hold a grudge.
-Use humor to release tension.
-Assert yourself. 
 
I want to take a moment to draw attention to this last strategy. Assertiveness is one of the healthiest ways to deal with anger. An assertive person will state what they need in a clear and direct manner. They will try to get their needs met without hurting anyone else. Assertiveness is the middle ground between being pushy and getting walked all over. Anger is just communicating that you do not like something, a boundary has been crossed, someone has hurt you, etc. It is okay to address these things. However, being passive aggressive or blowing up is ineffective. Assertiveness communicates that you are upset in a way that you will be heard.  
 
It is possible to get a control over your anger so that you are not at risk of losing relationships. If you continue to struggle managing your anger on your own, then it might be helpful to reach out for more support from a trained professional. People who have lasting, extreme anger may find it helpful to explore its causes with a therapist. There are many therapists here on BetterHelp that would gladly help you work through your anger.   I wish you well and hope you are able to work through your feelings. Thank you again for your question. Best wishes!
(MSW, LCSW, CADC)