How do I get over a fear of being a bad person?

Hello there! You wrote in wondering how to get over your fear of being  a bad person. So, here’s the thing, bad people don’t go around wondering if they are a bad person. The fact that you have this question running around in your head is probably indicative that you put a lot of good out into the world.

You wonder if you might be abusive, and manipulative. A lot of people with these thoughts often have a history of trauma. I’m not sure whether this is applicable to you or not, but it’s worth considering.

An article I came across recently had the following quote, “Bad person feelings typically develop early in life. Although it may not be intended, children can get the message that it isn’t simply what they do or think or feel that is bad, but that they themselves are bad.  When these feelings are communicated, verbally or nonverbally, children soon learn to avoid them by working very hard to please and not disappoint parents. They may try so hard to be good (i.e., to be the child the parent expects), that they have little room to develop their own unique selves… When parents yell at their children or verbally or physically abuse them, we can imagine that this might frighten, shame, humiliate, or terrify a child.  But parents can also respond in more subtle ways that can damage a child. When a parent expresses hurt or disappointment by a sigh, a look, crying, head shaking, or leaving the room, the impact can be devastating: “How can I have done this to my parent? I must be a terrible person.” When the parent’s displeasure is expressed as hurt, it is especially difficult for the child to mobilize a strong sense of self and fight back.  The parent’s hurt is evidence that the child is a bad person. It then feels necessary to always please others and behave in ways to avoid the “I am a bad person” feeling.”

Here's a link to that article: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/pleasing-others-bad-person-feeling-0308124/

Basically, what ends up happening if that this person turns into a people pleaser, and is constantly monitoring others for their verbal and non-verbal signals, and leaves a lot of room for mis-interpretation, and you guessed it, anxiety!

So, how can you get over this fear? Well, therapy might be a good place to start, whether it’s through Betterhelp, or another agency. If cost is a concern, put your location + community mental health into google, and a low cost agency (who often works on a sliding scale with payment as low as zero), should pop up.

So what is therapy? Well, a worksheet that I like to use has the following information.

Psychotherapy is a process that many believe is shrouded in mystery, but it doesn't have to be that way. Therapists are normal people who usually chose their profession because they care about other people, they're good listeners, and they want to help.

 What does a therapist actually do, and how can they help me?

Therapists act as a neutral party who can listen and try to understand without judgment. Therapists help you learn about yourself by pointing out patterns and giving honest feedback. Therapists teach specific techniques and strategies to deal with problems. Therapists can refer you to additional resources in the community that might be helpful. Therapists provide a safe place to learn and practice social skills.

You won't be annoying your therapist, whomever you choose, by being present and working to change and grow as a person. It sounds like you have a lot going on, and therapy really can help you sort through everything. 

 

What are the limitations of psychotherapy?

Therapists should not tell you what to do or try to direct your life. Think of the proverb: "Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach him to fish, and you feed him for life." Therapists will help you learn to solve your own problems, rather than solving them for you. Some mental illness cannot be managed by psychotherapy alone. If medication is recommended, it's probably important. Benefiting from psychotherapy does require work on your part. Speaking to a therapist for an hour a week, and then pushing it out of your mind, probably won't do you any good. Complete homework, practice your skills, and legitimately try the recommendations you are given. Therapists cannot be your friend after starting a therapeutic relationship. Therapists generally like their clients, and would love to get to know them better, but ethical rules prevent the formation of relationships outside of treatment. It isn't you, it's just that the therapist could lose their license! Therapists cannot read your mind. If you hide information, or are dishonest, you're wasting your own time and money.

Therapy is a great way to help you sort out what’s causing the anxiety, and develop a plan for change.

A therapist can help you figure out what you want to change, and work with you develop a plan for change. Anyway, I hope this helps you out and gives you some food for thought. I encourage you to reach out and talk to a therapist. I can pretty much guarantee that there is one out there who you will click with and can help you figure out how to grow and achieve your goals. Therapy can be expensive, but it's an investment in yourself.

I wish you luck!