How do I just say what's on my mind and talk with people I don't know well?

Hi Lainey!,

I really appreciate your question. What I hear you describe is something that is common among many of the clients that I work with. So, first, I want to normalize what you are feeling. Your feelings are not abnormal but are common among many individuals.

However, what you describe is internally uncomfortable, probably even anxiety-provoking, since you do describe yourself as nervous even at the Thanksgiving event, for example. And yet, even now, I am probably going to answer your question with some questions. I hope that my questions will help you contemplate what might be behind the "pause" that inhibits you from proceeding into social engagement.

First, I LOVE that you desire to engage, and I LOVE that you already have statements planned to say to others. You genuinely desire to connect with others, to know them, to develop relationships. This is beautiful. But what you describe sounds as if you cannot cross that threshold, if I am inferring correctly. 

That inhibiting pause of nervousness has something tied to it--that is my presumption. Could there have been something in your past, for example, a childhood teaching such as "children should be seen and not heard," that could be encouraging the "pause?" Could there have been a wounding where you were often overlooked or interrupted growing up or even in social interactions? Were you included or excluded? "Popular" or "bullied?" What feedback did your parents give when you socially engaged? How involved were they in helping you gain confidence in social interactions?

Oftentimes, what I have found with my clients is, if we can find the root reason as to why they struggle, then the problem begins to resolve. Then, once we find the root of the problem and give voice to it so that memory loses its power, my clients then find their voice. This may be the case for you. It then becomes easier to "take the plunge" or to "jump in" into social situations. It is much harder than people think, and that is why your question is valid.

To encourage you further--even though you may have a desire to initiate conversation, I am grateful to read that you answer those you do initiate the conversation. Be encouraged by this. Be encouraged that you do not disengage. I think you will find that more you continue to engage, the easier it will become to one day initiate. However, I think finding the root of the problem will be the key to solving the puzzle as to why you struggle with the pause.

I hope this answer often some help. :)