How do i recover from fear of death.

I have been fearing death , that it made it hard to do anything else. It puts me in a state of anxiery that i start concentrating on health issues and worry.
Asked by Anonymous
Answered
05/03/2021

Talking about and more importantly thinking about our own death can be stress-inducing. In fact, psychologists have actually come up with a theory called the terror management theory. The terror management theory posits that humans cannot be reminded of their own demise or they would get very little accomplished; we manage our terror by simply putting it out of our head and out of our hearts, so we can go through the world and live our best lives possible.

This year in particular has been so difficult to manage because unfortunately, death is all around and we have near constant reminders of our mortality due to COVID-19 and the pandemic. Not only is it more present in our lives than ever before, but we have daily reminders every time we turn on our phones, radios or televisions. When we have lockdowns and social distancing, we have more time to think about our own mortality and that can present such a challenge to many people. Lots of folks are struggling with this very topic you are describing in your question. 

So what do we do when we cannot manage our terror, when it is one of the only things we can think about? In this case, it is important to live a life of which you are proud. Many psychologists reference Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. In this theory, we recognize that when humans live a life that they are proud of, when they become the best versions of themselves, and are able to live a legacy worth remembering, they are much more likely to enter the final phase of their life without regrets. Legacy is all about what we leave behind. It does not have to be a monetary thing; legacy can mean mentoring someone, doing the best you can at your job and improving the position, or simply being kind to everyone we meet. We do not have control over when we go, but we have control over how we live every day of our life until then.

When we think about dying, for most people, it is the lack of control that is the most stressful. We have control over what we have for breakfast, what we watch on tv, even where we choose to work and spend our time. But one thing we do not have control over is how and when we pass away. Some people can become obsessive about illness and being healthy to the point where those thoughts can be all consuming.

One thing I would encourage you to do is to ask yourself how often am I having thoughts about mortality and my health, and how much time am I spending each day thinking about this. That can give you a good gauge to assess how dug in those behaviors are. One thing we can do to help combat that is to use some thought-stopping and reframing techniques to help us re-wire our brain circuits as it relates to this topic. When we spend a lot of time thinking about something, our brain starts to think, “hmmm this is important, we should spend ever MORE time on this topic!” So when you start thinking about your health for example, replace that thought with something you are grateful for or something that is going really well in your life. For example, I worry that this headache is something more. Replacing that with, I am so grateful for my home, my family, my job, this walk that I am taking right now to get the chance to go outside.

The other thing I will share is that when people are on their death bed, the vast majority do not care about what kind of car they have, their house or their belongings. They care about relationships. They care about the people in their lives. One thing that all of us can do better is to cultivate our relationships. Take care of our relationships and treasure the people in our lives. A wonderful former student of mind always used to say, do not bring flowers to my funeral, give me flowers now, while I am here to appreciate them. I loved that idea of loving each other while we still have the chance! 

Cognitive behavior therapy can be a wonderful way to combat obsessive thoughts and compulsive patterns as it relates to mortality and health. A therapist can help you reframe those thoughts to be more kind, productive and healthy! 

(MSW, LCSW)