Ask a therapist > Anxiety > Is it avoidant personality disorder?

Is it avoidant personality disorder?

I recently watched a video on avoidant personality disorder and it seemed to match me to a T. I have a great deal of fear and anxiety around social situations, whether they be at work with bosses or co-workers, and with new interpersonal relationships. It doesn't particularly matter whether it is romantic or platonic. Also, I've always had very intense emotional reactions regarding rejection, and to cope I've often isolated myself entirely deciding that avoiding relationships was easier than pursuing them, even though the desire to have them was there. For a period of ten years, I actually had a sex/pornography addiction, and I've only recently been able to achieve a semblance of sobriety (last year and a half or so). However, that sobriety has often come with a return of depression, anxiety and intense fear of social relationships, which I always believe was the underlying problem, anyway. I also struggled with a very long history of childhood abuse and neglect, and currently have an extremely estranged relationship with my parents and siblings.

I finally just wanted to add that I actually do have a fairly successful career as a solar installer/technician, but I believe the only reason I am relatively successful at this occupation is because I am quite good at math and solving complex qualitative problems, but I am lucky in that I rarely deal with any customers or people in general, except for sometimes my co-workers and sometimes my bosses, which I still struggle with mightily. So I do have some positive things going for my life, but I am really quite desperate to try and find a solution for this very long problem/disorder that I've been struggling with basically my entire childhood and adult life. So any help would be appreciated. Thanks.
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Asked by Habibi
Anxiety
Worry
Answered
09/13/2021

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Why hello there! There is so much to unpack in your question. My response is going to lead to many more questions so brace yourself! :-)

I think in our culture, we have a habit of self-diagnosing ourselves with mental health disorders - and all of our loved ones and hated ones too! Could you 'have' avoidant personality disorder? Certainly - from what you describe. Could you have social anxiety, or be a natural intervert, or 'relearning' how to be in the world after a 10 year pornography/sex addiction? Absolutely! Could it be something else? Of course!

For an actual diagnosis, I suggest forming a relationship with a licensed therapist and work with a person who is able to answer all the other questions that are pertinent in this situation. Here are some questions that are coming to mind for me.

- How old are you? Did you grow up in the age where of your social interaction was learned online? Could that be contributing to social anxiety in 'real life' situations?

 

- What are you afraid of in social situations? Are you a person of color or another minority group? Are there complex societal reasons to be a afraid? What triggers your fear? 

 

- Are you a highly sensitive person and have strong reactions and responses to triggers like being rejected?

 

- What does your avoidance pattern look like? If you were to draw a map or an outline can you pinpoint the same triggers every time? What do they have in common? You are saying that it's the same whether it's a platonic or a romantic relationship - so that does not appear to be a trigger. Are there other triggers?

 

- What is the benefit of isolating yourself? Why do no not feel fear or anxiety when you are alone but you do with other people?

 

- Are you in a program of Recovery for your sex/porn addiction? If not, would you benefit from starting one and conversing with other folks who embarked upon the same behavior as you for the same reasons - anxiety and fear?

 

- What's up with your family estrangment? What is the connection to the abuse and neglect you experienced with the behavior of avoiding relationships?

 

My suggestion to you is to find a trusted person to begin exploring these questions. If you don't want to 'do therapy' (which I highly recommend - and not just because I'm a therapist), then do you have a spiritual advisor with whom you could talk through these questions? Or a mentor? Or again, a sponsor or support person in a Recovery? You may greatly benefit from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Look it up. You'll like it.

The fact that you are ready to explore it is AMAZING! 

Best,

Kathy Link, LCSW

 

(MSSW, LCSW)