Is it normal to have never been even close to a relationship at 20? I’ve not even had my first kiss

Dear Lulu,

I am very proud of you for reaching out for help and asking for support and guidance with these struggles that you are going through.  It is so important to ask for help when you are struggling and don't know how to help yourself.  Us as humans, need each other, and need external support and guidance when we are feeling stuck or unable to move forward well.  We all get to the point where we don't know how to help ourselves in the next step of life.  And it is very emotionally wise to then reach out for support and help!

I want to address a few things that you brought up:  

1. The question that you posed connecting to being twenty years old and not having had your first kiss and wondering if that is normal, is something that I will address first. 
2. Secondly, I will spend some time talking about the struggle with anxiety, and now depression and that deep struggle to find joy in anything that is going on in your life. 
3. Lastly, I will give you some guidance as to what might be a helpful next step for you in this season of your life. 

First of all, let's sit with that question focused on your concern about not having had your first kiss at your age.  One of the biggest sources of our information is social media, the television as well as the internet.  If we look at the way that our culture shows intimacy and sex and connection with a partner, it is shown that it is normal to have your first kiss and jump into sex very quickly and at younger and younger ages.  And then it begs to question, is that normal or is that what the media is portraying.  It also brings about the question of what is the challenge for you that you haven't had a kiss in your life time.  What is it about this reality that is hard for you?  What makes you struggle?  It is hard to then talk about this reality without your answer, so I am going to take some guesses and seek to speak to a few things that I have heard from other clients who have been in your shoes as I have been their therapist.  

Some people believe that the fact that they haven't had a kiss as they enter their third decade of life, it points to the fact that they are unloveable or flawed or not wanted.  This is a painful thought and feeling to sit with and feeds into a depressive state for many people.  

If we look at why you haven't had a kiss, what do you think are the reasons for the lack of physical contact with a romantic partner? Have you wanted to have a romantic partner?  Have you sought after a romantic partner?

Some folks struggle with connecting with someone romantically because of feeling shy and uncomfortable in that kind of a setting - dating, connecting with new people.  Do you see yourself in that category?

Another reason that some people struggle with not having had their first kiss in their twenties is because of how others react to them when they find that out.  Some people have strong opinions and can be harsh in their reactions.  Is that part of why you feel this way?  It is important to remember that MANY people do not have a connection in a romantic serious way until they are in their twenties for a wide variety of reasons, and that is not something that is portrayed in our media almost ever.  There is a consistent picture of people being very sexually active and connecting romantically at very young ages.  They do not portray many people waiting or fearful about romantic connection or not finding the right person until they are in their twenties.  So it makes sense that your body then feels that there is something wrong with you. Are there people in your life that are in your shoes that you could connect with in order to feel more safe and connected with someone in your similar shoes?

I have also seen many people that are stressed for a wide variety of reasons and their stress comes out in hyper focus on one area of their life which then makes that area very much more distressing.  The steps that I focus on with that person is to seek to help them to build coping skills for stress so they can move through the stress with wisdom and care for their own body mind and soul AND it brings some relief to that area that their body naturally focuses on in the stress. 

I wonder how you are doing with using calming and coping skills for stress while you are in your university time?  What do you do to care for your stress and anxiety and depression?  

I have many tools that I would recommend but I will start with just a few and encourage you to try them and then to seek out more tools as you build the ones that work for you and may see that you need more skills. 

It would make sense to me that you would seek out some mental health help for the reality of having had anxiety all your life and now depression coming over you as well.  If you have a safe place to talk and be heard as well as building coping and calming skills that can definitely slow down the amount of anxiety and depression that you are feeling.  

Most universities have free mental health help so please look into that.  You may also have therapy through the insurance that you may have.  I would encourage you to seek out counseling for this season of high stress and distress. 

I would recommend that you learn some body calming skills for those times that your body is feeling anxious.  It is best to practice these tools regularly so that they become more natural and something you do easily.  The first one I would recommend is deep breathing.  Deep breathing activates the ways that our body calms itself naturally.  Seek to build in time to deep breathe daily and then also use it when you are anxious.  

Another skill that many people like is using yoga or stretching to calm your body when anxious.  

I would encourage you to also have safe people to talk to.  I had shared that it would be wise to get some support through a therapist and it would be helpful to talk openly with safe people. 

I wish you the best of luck with this time in your life!  I hope you can continue to learn to care well for yourself!

Paula